Obligatory New Year's post (7/10)

This year, like every year, I suppose there are small ways I've improved as a person. Like every year, in general I've gotten more comfortable with myself. I suppose that some notable things that have happened are the friends I've made, how I've actually managed to stay around the people I want to be around. I've developed some close friendships while also being pleasant acquaintances with all sorts of people. I also got a job, which when I didn't have one I always felt like I was obligated to get one, so I have peace of mind over that, money in my bank account and coffee in my cupboard.

Despite the general rep of New Year's resolutions, this year I want to stop procrastinating on things. I want to be a person of action, as opposed to a person that considers doing something but never gets around to it. Whether it's reading a certain book (I'm yet to read Lord of the Rings) or watching a certain movie or looking up a band or learning a new skill, I want to stop over thinking things and just dive into it. I want to be a bit more impulsive about things that don't need to be over thought and stop using the excuse that I don't have time for anything. As a large portion of potentially brain damaged and annoyingly ironic individuals say repeatedly all day, everyday: YOLO. When it gets to the end of 2013, I want to be impressed by how much I've accomplished, the new skills I've learned, the people I've met.

There's also the whole graduation/university thing coming up. That's scary/exciting. I don't even know what city I'll be in come eight months from now.

Happy New Year's. I have confidence that 2013 is going to be a good year.
Hearts,
-J-

Barista holiday woes (6/10)

Working at a coffee shop, I get to see a really strange side of people.

There are the nice people, who smile, chat with the baristas, and sometimes even remember our names. There are also the mean people, who are awful to us and we make their drink, which many times is super customized, which we would totally be fine with if they weren't a dick about it. Maybe they feel like the money they give us means they don't have to be a decent human being. I feel like telling people that just because they had a bad childhood or marriage or job or whatever, that they shouldn't take it out on the person giving them coffee. But alas, I must internalize my rage and sass.

Today was a bogo day and bogo days are especially awful. For some completely unknown reasons, people are especially mean and unreasonable when they can buy a holiday drink and get a second one for free. It doesn't help that they all seem to bring an unreasonably large amount of people with them. It seems to flick a switch inside people's heads that says "Oh, bogo days! I should bring my wife, my kids, my second cousins, my entire street!" There was also a recurring thing that happened today where like six different people were unreasonably angry when we didn't use our magical barista mind reading powers and give them their drink as a frappuccino without them stating that they wanted their drink as a frappuccino, which unbelievably enough is an essential part of that process. But alas, we can't just say "Deal with it" and move on. No, we must put up with whatever they say to us and make it the way they want. That's a wearing process when they can't put words to their very particular specifications and we have to keep at it until they're happy and we're internally plotting their demise.

It doesn't help that the last few shifts, my supervisors have been quite on edge. They just ran out of holiday cheer or something and figured I was a good scapegoat for most things that are done wrong. Despite that I haven't been responsible for about 80% of the things I've been condescendingly told not to do in the past two shifts, somehow I still get lectured 100% of the time. Yesterday, I put a syrup stand in the sink to wash it and my shift said,"NO, you never put things in the sink!" and moved it quite agressively. I was a little dazed by this and replied that I was washing it, at which point I was begrudgingly forgiven and given a lecture to never put anything in the sink unless it's being washed right then, exactly what I had been doing. I'm learning to quickly deny false accusations of incorrectly done things when it wasn't me and apologizing when it is me. Other than withstanding these few days of excessive lecturing on health and safety, protocol and standard, I quite like my job most of the time. And after this on edge lecturing thing dies down, I'll probably be drastically better at my job anyway.

Basically, my job has taught me that people take themselves too seriously sometimes and need to chill out. Also, I can deal with books much better than people at times.
Hearts,
-J-

'Microwave adulthood' (5/10)

I passed into a weird stage of (pre?)adulthood today.

It was a small milestone: I bought a microwave and a toaster. I've started actively collecting things for when I move out. I suppose there comes a time in every high school senior's Christmas break when they pause for a moment and say,"Shit. Soon I'm outta here." Maybe it's from all the relatives asking about your future or seeing all the university students visiting home for the holidays. But that "Soon I'm outta here" moment happened today and it scared me a bit.

To me, the microwave shows that I'm preparing to be self sufficient. The idea of relative self sufficiency shouldn't scare me as much as it does. I mean, I'm a pretty independent person and I have been for years. But the idea of having to living a sizable distance away from my parents is frightening. I don't think much about the effect my parents have on my life because they're not very notable and I'm at a point where most of my dependency on them has evolved into coexistence. When it comes down to it, though, for the most part they've been extremely good at being a constant and it's coming to a time when that one constant I've always had will be gone.

In around eight months, I'll be creating a new home, away from my family, my close friends, the things I know. I'll live in a new city in a new environment with new people. And I have little idea what that will actually entail. What isn't scary about that? But it's something that I know needs to happen because resisting change would be even worse.

All of this was sparked by a the purchase of chunks of plastic and metal allowing future Julianne to heat and toast food. The future nostalgia is setting in. Is it normal to have strangely defining moments doing something as mediocre as buying a microwave?
Hearts,
-J-

Boxing day review (4/10)

My boxing day included feeling Les Mis feels leftover from yesterday and adding on to my Les Mis feels by listening to the soundtrack. I think this is at the same level with my Sherlock feels at the end of series 2.

Also, since Noah is visiting family around here for a week, we ended up hanging out in Starbucks for exactly 5 hours and 40 minutes because we legitimately had nothing better to do (Fun fact I found out today: apparently, where I get invited to parties to be damage control, Noah gets invited to parties because of his lingering reputation of being able to make a bong out of anything.) Maegan came in for a shift and introduced me to her coworkers to prove that she has friends. I was then accused of being a 'friend prostitute.' However, I was in Starbucks so long that I think I reached almost friend status with the baristas, as one of them said bye to me as he left. Maegan gave me a free iced tea with one and a half times the usual amount of syrup and wouldn't let me complain because it was free, despite that I was drinking liquid diabetes. Eventually Noah and I left because we felt that were loitering to a ridiculous extent.

Now I'm listening to classical records because those are the only records in my dad's collection that aren't cringe worthy artists from the 80's and 90's. Damn straight I set up a record player in my room. I'm just adding to the elements of me that will someday add up to me becoming a super eccentric individual.

I don't know what to do with all this time. I think it's time to break out the ukulele and/or guitar.
Hearts,
-J-

So many Les Mis feels (3/10)

I know you guys are probably hearing tons of Les Mis related ramblings in the past 24 hours but I need to add to it so deal with it. 

Last night, I headed out to see Les Mis with Moriah, Missy and Noah. Moriah, Missy and I were freaking out because of our Les Mis feels before we were even in the theater. Everything was so perfect. The live singing instead of studio recording, the actors, the cinematography. Bhhhhaaaaaaaaaa. I was so worried it wouldn't live up to my high expectations and I would be disappointed and I wasn't. As a super cynical person, that is not something that often happens. I was super pleased with how they went about everything, especially how for the songs, they went for emotion over musical perfection. So much brilliance was channeled into this movie and, as far as I can think, it's the most beautiful screen adapted musical I've ever seen.

It was so intense; I was so exhausted by the end of it. We were all such messes of emotions, feeling all the things. I'm seeing again on Saturday because I need to see it another time to absorb it. But even now I'm kind of questioning why I'm not currently in the theater, seeing it again.

Go see Les Mis. Just do it. And someone should also throw Oscars at it, kthx.
Hearts,
-J-

Edit: someone decided to break down every song and whoever did this is my spirit animal when it comes to criticism. 

Baby, it's Consumerism Outside (2/10)

 My Christmas Eve was pretty chill for several reasons:

• It was my first day to sleep in around two months.
• I had a legitimate sugar hangover. I ate a lot of small cupcakes when I was baking with Tatyana yesterday night. I not only had a headache all morning but I threw up at 5am (TMI, I know) after being woken up by texts from my friend Will, who for unknown reasons thought that I would be up at that time before his super early flight. This incident has led to his demotion. His brother is now my favourite because Alex doesn't text me at bloody 5am.
• Late Christmas shoppers scare me. After spending half an hour getting out of the parking lot at work on Saturday, there's no way I would dare venture out on Christmas Eve. My title says it all.
• After finishing my gift wrapping, I went on a cleaning frenzy in my room. It is now devoid of dust, mold and anything else that turns me into sneezy disaster. My OCD and allergies can rest now.
• The only time I had planned for today was an hour at church for Christmas carols and accessing my inner pyromaniac. How are they expecting good things to happen when they give us candles to fiddle with for an hour? Noah made an appearance for the first time since summer and somehow Moriah took a picture of us that looked like an indie folk band album cover.
• I'm going to read A Wrinkle In Time now because I have the lingering feeling that it is appropriately Christmasy when in reality it isn't Christmasy at all. Neither is Les Miserables but that isn't stopping me from seeing it tomorrow night.

She & Him - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Hearts,
-J-

Yearbook mysteries and apocalyptic baked goods (1/10)

Here is a promised picture of my fantastic Christmas sweater, with Maegan. Not going to lie, I kind of stole this pic off the yearbook drive at school and I have a feeling like I'm not particularly supposed to do that. I didn't ask, so whatevs, broskis.

Speaking of yearbook, I did my first work on my shared seven page section today. I sorted through all of the folders to find pictures of the faculty, which took an entire class, as the yearbook drive is a deposit of every picture, good or bad, ever taken at a school event. As that hour proceeded, the collection of photos from upwards of ten different people got progressively more unintentionally hilarious. There was an anonymous album that was 90% dedicated to my friend Allan donating blood and an folder from one of our vice principles labeled 'Faculty and etc'; somehow that meant five pictures of teachers and one picture of that interesting character from my co-op class, QHD, with a chair stuck on his head. The lack of context that the yearbook drive offers leaves me with so many unanswered questions.

Also, happy apocalypse. But as far as my knowledge goes, the dolphins are still firmly planted in their earthy ocean home, which makes me a little wary about our planet's predicted fate. However, my day did include party in my history which included clementines, baked goods, and the lovely SRC president, David, with a book of Trivial Pursuit questions sitting at the front of the classroom and quizzing us. Like looking through the yearbook drive, it was also a great use of a class.

I now look forward to an eighteen day stretch of Christmas break: tea, books and hopefully Library Crew. I need to lay on Tatyana's floor a lot to make up for lost time.
Hearts,
-J-

Ten days of Blogmas?

I'm challenging myself: I will be responsible for ten posts over Christmas break, a span of eighteen days. That way I have time to make them a reasonable quality while not having too much time to slack off. I came to a realization that my problem lately is that I can't decide what is blogworthy and what isn't. This is my attempt to rediscover my blogging voice again.

Clever name suggestions for this venture would ever be appreciated. I will feel very lame if I actually use "The ten days of Blogmas." My dignity can't handle that. I'll also try my best to find a clever name. Please help my dignity?
Hearts,
-J-

'Tis the season.

I came to the conclusion that I genuinely love the Christmas season. I've heard so many people lately saying that it's stressful for most people (I get the impression that that's what boring middle aged people do who do everything begrudgingly because they've dug themselves a dreadfully unexciting existence). The way I see it, if you're stressed by the Christmas season, you're doing it wrong. You need to embrace it, with more chill Christmas music ('Seasonal favourites' on the right sidebar), cuddles, blankets, peppermint and ambiance. I don't get stressed by it, and I'm a noob barista in the busiest season in my senior year and anticipating exams at the end of January.

Christmas shopping with a steady paycheck is something new to me. I've had a lovely time with it, as I'm not as limited as I used to be. It also helps that I have a pretty fun, borderline eccentric group of people to shop for. I'm very happy when I have license to buy cute/ridiculous things for people.

Not to mention that Christmas this year brings Les Miserables, which has the decency to come out on a Tuesday (cheap night), and the Doctor Who Christmas special, which in reality is probably going to be pretty awful, but as a committed Whovian I'm excited nonetheless.

How are the holidays treating you guys?

On a different note, I think my youth group was proud of me:

I guess I'm just in a giving mood, as opposed to the usual 'let's see how much food I can eat out of the youth cupboard before someone makes me feel drastically guilty about it' mood (for the record, one pudding cup, two cans of ravioli, three juice boxes, four granola bars and two waffles).
Hearts,
-J-

Julianne 'Damage Control'

I'm officially that person that people invite to parties to keep them from doing stupid things. After two admitted instances of this happening in the course of several days, I'm convinced that I should put 'Damage Control' in between my first and last name.

I guess I just have the perfect balance of common sense, integrity and nonjudgment. I didn't realize that I was so trusted and it's weird to realize it all at once. I am apparently the most reliable embodiment of common sense. Maybe I'm really good at convincing people that things are bad ideas, the person that people believe in to keep them from making stupid drunk decisions. My superpower, maybe. I'm the Batman of parties.

Too bad that some of my friends are such sloppy white hoes. Will and Missy are currently at a stalemate over who is more so. It's frighteningly even.

If this persona turns out to actually be a thing, I have quite a job set out for me when university rolls around. And I'll make a really good old lady someday.

Just musing and trying to get out of writer's block.
Hearts,
-J-

Phantom Style: a Halifax review

Halifax was pretty great.

Highlights include:

•  One pretty intense game of Apples-to-Apples.
• Posing with mall Santa with above group and later the entire choir.
• Seeing Elf the Musical, which was cute
• Going to a dinner theater. We saw a show called "Phantom of the Fishplant" which is as screwed up as it sounds. We came to the conclusions it was written for people of significant levels of intoxication, as the Phantom was Santa's alter ego and 'Gangnam "Phantom" Style' made an appearance.
• Seeing Breaking Dawn Part 2 with ten people. Aidan had the occasional outburst, we gave it a standing ovation and just generally pissed off the entire theater.
• Walking to a gas station in the middle of the night to buy ramen noodles. 
• Visiting a farmer's market and consuming food while we stopped to sing with Christmas songs with a vendor, found appropriate presents for people with hippie parents, and admired expensive and beautiful sweets. 
• Aidan, Imtiaz and my brother all acquired the same stalker: a slightly aggressive and obsessive niner girl. To this situation, Aidan responded with flusteredness, Imtiaz with fear, and my brother by curling up into a little ball of antisocialness, his usual state.

 I found some pretty nifty people to hang out with, some of whom I previously knew and others who I didn't. It was pretty good.

Now I'm back and have a pre-pre-exam rush since exams are at the end of January, giving us only two weeks of school after Christmas break. I also have a time off blackout at work for December, which is a colossal pain because I have a ton of choir things that I shouldn't miss. I'm going to try to convince the guidance office to let me have a free period next semester so I can deal with the sheer amount of things I need to do the rest of this year. So. Many. Things.
Hearts.
-J-

It's a flannel day.

Today I woke up and decided I couldn't deal with things, so I stayed home. I finished a ton of homework, with the help of three caffeinated drinks, so I feel good about having a homework free weekend, now.

I just need a break so bad. I can't wait to be around lovely people, no homework, and fully devote myself to having a fun for three days in different city. When I think about it, I've rarely devoted myself to having fun since school started, even less so since I began work. I just want to stop feeling trapped by the organized box of obligations that my life has become.

I want to read books not for school, to socialize, to not be brain dead by second period, to get the recommended amount of sleep, to drink coffee because I enjoy it, not because I feel it necessary to survive the day.

I don't want to turn into a burnout. That happened last year (thankfully I recovered) but it can't happen this year, too.
Hearts,
-J-

Meh. A whole week of meh.

I got written up at work essentially for briefly being an asshole to one of the supervisors. Despite the fact that the report was vastly exaggerated to the events that actually happened, it caught me at a time when I was so stressed that it just slid right off me, humoring me more than anything. I did send the few texts to my friends to inform them that I'd been written up for being an asshole. I have a legal document saying that I'm an asshole. I think I need to reevaluate my life. The strange thing, after she wrote me up, I've genuinely gotten along with her better. How does that work?

There are three nights, a paper, a presentation and a novel between me and Halifax. I need to stop replacing sleep with coffee, that is a very bad habit, and my mind is ceasing to produce coherent thoughts.

I think something snapped inside of me, not yet senioritis (when 12th graders give up because of the sudden realization that high school ends soon) but something preceding that. A stage in my senior year where I stress out, get lots of things done, and hate 90% of everything I do for a few weeks.

All I want right now is a good night's sleep,

When people talk about "the real world," I think that they forget that many high school students are in fact not twiddling their thumbs, but go to school for six hours a day, got to work for another five, then go home to homework, with the occasional extracurricular activity thrown in. We seem to get a strangely small amount of recognition for what we put up with.
Hearts,
-J-

Bagels: the redeeming factor of my life.

This weekend there's a choir trip to Halifax and I don't think I've ever needed something bad. Choir trips are possibly the best things, as they include the majority of my favorite people and tend to have lots moments that later make noteworthy stories.

The last week has been so busy. I've buzzed from one thing to another a great deal, filling in the cracks with homework and the occasional bout of sleep and food. I've also resorting to collapsing in a state of exhaustion when I have a few minutes that allow me to do so.

I also have this thing at work where as soon as I clock in, I have a perpetually cheerful facade. It's exhausting but necessary to appease my ever watchful superiors who really just take themselves too damn seriously. That said, I manage to do things to piss them off, though I'm never quite sure because they're also masters of the perpetually cheerful facade. When I get out of acedemics, I feel like I have so much potential to fail in "the real world" that people keep passively mentioning. In both jobs I've ever had, I've been really good at pissing off my supervisors, which is probably one of the worst things I could ever do.

When I'm stressed and busy all the time my caffeine tolerance goes down. In the last few days, it's hit an all time low, from having an English paper for IB due today (but I'm not done yet because it's been the most painful paper to write of all time), a history presentation sometime in the next week, finishing a novel and doing a presentation about it, having choir things, and work (coincidentally at consistently inconvenient times). So basically, I'm wired, stressed and hating everything.

EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE.

Except I bought seven bagels for $3 and that is very beautiful, though the apathetic cashier wasn't as enthused about the "Fill a bag for $3" bagel promotion as I was.
Love,
-J-

Realizations (that I'm a horrid human being)

The city bus that I take to co-op runs from the university across town to the mall, so I often run into friends that go to the university. Today, Missy happened to be on the bus, so we sat together and were slightly loud and obnoxious, as we are both prone to being, which just escalates when in close quarters with each other. The topic of a local band arose while she was debating aloud whether to go a coffee house tonight, as they were playing there, but we both came to the conclusion that they were vastly overrated and that the front man vaguely resembles a muppet. Our conversation moved on from that, but when I got off at my stop, out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone sitting behind me with unmistakably muppet like features. He looked back at me with a look of disdain, making all my hopes of perhaps our comments having escaped his ears disappear. Guys, I dropped an insult directly about a stranger on public transit, unknowingly while they were present. Oops. I am one of the world's biggest assholes. Maegan replied to this situation with the text "Now he knows he looks like a muppet. He'll never be able to unsee that."  Missy and I are currently planning the creation of buttons that say "World's biggest asshole" to give society a fair warning. Sometimes I think I'm not as much of an asshole as I think I am, but then something like this confirms it several times over.

 I also somehow got myself invited to a New Year's Eve party held by someone who I barely know, solely because Missy was disappointed that I don't know the group of music kids from a neighboring town. At least I have at one interesting option for my New Year's Eve, now. I'd feel a little bad about abandoning the tradition of tenting out in a senior's hall in the sticks with youth group with copious amounts of midnight snacking, but hey, a party could be potentially more interesting and include fewer people that annoy me. Probably.

And those are the things that happened to me today: I publicly insulted people on city transit and got invited to a party that's a month and a half away that I probably won't attend unless I find myself utterly devoid of other options. I hope your day included fewer realizations that apologies in the form of balloons would be nice to give people than mine did.
Hearts,
-J-

No theme, just madness.

• Do any of you guys have a friend that you made from some passing event a while ago and who you run into about four or five times a year by simply finding them at the same place you currently happen to be, proceed to have a long winded conversation with them, and then forget that they exist until the next coincidental meeting? Or is that just me?
• I feel like I put a lot of energy into making myself do things quickly and somewhat mindlessly so that my mind doesn't start going in circles, over thinking and double guessing everything.
• I think that being a barista is over glamorized by people. But you need the memory of an elephant, a great deal of patience, to keep up for hours of a fast paced environment, willingness to lose a lot of self respect, the ability multitask like a boss and the realization the sometimes you will still be ready for a nap after four shots of espresso. On top of that, you're expected to be nice to people. I'm worked pretty hard and flash my share of haggard smiles at customers.
• I'm considering going on a movie watching binge because the library actually has a half decent collection and I'm movie illiterate beyond belief. I'm developing a system to thoroughly go through the movie collection and everything. The library is increasing my OCD exponentially, though it's yet to be too much of a problem. Any suggestions of movies I should watch?
• I have a paper due Monday about a book I read last April and haven't had time to reread. I'm not sure how to distribute my content, so I've come up with a system where I put square brackets around sections that I can expand by a few sentences if I come out below the word count. I feel like from the skills I've gotten from IB, I'll be fine with the workload in university. That's a comfort. But these words are being written slower than molasses going uphill in January.
• I also started writing my 1000 word autobiographical essay for my application for University of King's College's Journalism program. I've spent half an hour on it and already have 400 words. It's going a lot better than my English paper for Monday and applications aren't due until the end of March or something. This admissions essay is something I'm not going to let myself half-ass. It's going to be good, and probably also a plus that I can revise it for scholarship applications.
  
  Sufjan Steven's 58 track Christmas album, "Silver and Gold"
  Hearts,
  -J-

A collective list of reasons I want to punch owls.

This weekend was a terrible weekend. Not like an actually terrible weekend, but I feel really crappy at the tail end of it, now.

I woke up on Saturday at 6:30am because I needed to be at STU by 9am for their open house (because university and stuff). We managed to make the usual hour and a half drive in just over an hour, so we arrived on time and got registered. That was when my brother and my dad decided to leave me for an hour in a building that I've never been in before in a room full of several hundred high schoolers and their parents, of whom I was vaguely acquainted with about three, and tables with profs from all the different faculties of the university. I was very close to having a panic attack, having found the toxic situation involving both collecting information about university and crowds of complete strangers. After about half an hour, I had calmed myself down, talked to a dreadlocked hippie about a major legitimately called 'Great Books' because I was wandering around looking lost and overwhelmed and his table was empty. Most of the tables I wanted to go to were super crowded, and ventured to join the cluster of people around the journalism table and listened to an awkward kid with a nasally voice brag about the fact that he's been freelancing since he was fourteen, after which I avoided the crowded tables and went to the small outlying ones, like women/gender studies and sociology. Eventually things died down, people started leaving to go to other events, so after waiting out another kid who was talking about his intense love of The Odyssey to a Poly Sci prof who's eyes were glazing over, I finally got some good, relevant information. The afore mentioned Poly Sci prof introduced me to the head of the journalism department who made me feel that my life isn't going to be a failure. After that there were some other things, including a tour, and I believe that I could comfortably enjoy my university career there, but it's still my second choice.

Saturday evening I attempted the near impossible feat of getting across town by navigating around the Christmas parade that disrupts every area I had to pass. It took me an hour, but with phone maps and the Rent soundtrack, I did it. Who knew a Christmas parade could easily debilitate getting anywhere in a city of 80 000. I celebrated by breathing a sigh of relief, consuming four pieces of pizza, and ranting about the pretentious asshole kids at the STU open house who are probably going to have their egos bashed down to bearable levels once university actually starts. Since it was Margie's birthday party, we celebrated by watching Mamma Mia and enjoying every second of it to its full potential.

This morning I woke up at Margie's house and went to church early without coffee. I then made super mediocre coffee for the entire youth group before our skit. Then I had to leave early to get to work, before the potluck.

I got to work and saw that the crowd wasn't that bad. Then I walked out of the back room and saw a line of ten people through the door. The funny thing was, there was consistently a line of ten people through the entire shift. Five hours of non-stop crazy. We ran out of eggnog and Missy had to go to the grocery store, leaving only two of us for half an hour. We had 10+ drinks lined up at any given time for hours. I had to punch in order after order, which involves a reasonable amount of concentration and juggling punching in orders/payment/marking cups/getting tea and coffee/getting food, all with speed and efficiency to keep the line moving. I had one fifteen minute break in that entire time, when I had planned to get something to eat, but the chaos didn't allow me to get anything to eat or drink. On the way home, I bought a box of cheesy bread and ate the entire thing by myself. The shift had made me feel so shitty that I feel no regrets over that decision. Stress+not having time to eat=later unashamed eating of crap. My family stared at me over the table with sadness in their eyes, thinking that they will have to watch my stressed descent into gluttony and obesity.

Now I look forward to a week of writing my entire World Lit. paper draft (a literary paper for IB consisting of 1200-1500 words), a history presentation, finish a novel, plus whatever other homework comes up, and hopefully maintaining my sanity to a degree that allows me to get out of bed in the morning. I hate looking ahead and realizing there's a small, inevitable circle of hell waiting. Imminent IB breakdown? I think perhaps.
Hearts,
-J-

Pondering

Sometimes there's a moment where life stops feeling like a repeating circle of events and I feel the tangible passing of time.

Today was one of those days. This morning, a small selection of choir went to the local veteran's home for their Remembrance day service. The veterans sat in the front rows in their uniforms, many in wheel chairs and hooked up to oxygen, sporting either looks of either deep reverence or dementia-induced confusion. There was one man in the front row who insisted on standing for the last post and the moment of silence, despite that he needed a nurse to support him.

When we weren't up front singing, we stood in the hallway as there were no empty chairs to be found. I looked at the rows of black and white pictures of different military units, mostly WWII era. Pictures of young people who now are sitting in wheel chairs or have passed on of old age, or who never made it home in the first place. Everything suddenly felt very real, like a layer had been removed between me and the events of the past. That these people were personally affected by these events of the past that feel so distant to me.

I had a sudden awareness of the nature of passing time. The realization that these people who were part of and witnessed a huge event in history are getting very advanced in age and in the next few decades they will become a detached piece of history. The realization that someday, I and my peers will be the oldest people in a room. That someday I will have faded into history, to have my world summed up into small black print in a text book for people who are also destined to eventually survive only in small black print. So maybe my original circle theory holds true to this, too.

That's something to ponder.
Hearts,
-J-

"The Great Laugh of Mankind."

This week has had running themes of comfortable contentness. But after last week, I feel pretty content with most things. Last week included an awful lot of self loathing for no particular reason.

This week was just really nice. I mean, I didn't have an existential crisis at youth group on Wednesday for the first time since September. I didn't get drastically behind on school work. I had more of a social life than I've had in a few weeks. I fell asleep to the song "Out Of Egypt, Into The Great Laugh Of Mankind, And I Shake The Dirt From My Sandals As I Run", my summer nap time anthem (and damn straight my summer was so eventful that I had a nap time anthem).

On Wednesday, I went to a university fair and, since I actually knew what information I was looking for, I found out some useful things that websites don't give me. It was also a good opportunity to compare and contrast the different schools. Walking up to one table and having them describe the Journalism program, then going directly to another table a few down and asking them the same questions was quite useful to me. I'm currently more pumped than scared about next year.

Yesterday there was a coffee house at school. As with every single coffee house ever at my school, it was a mixture of insanity, humour and talent, in vastly varying proportions in the different acts. It opened with two scrawny (not necessarily 100% sober) hipsters kind of freestyle rapping for a grand total of eight minutes, then going up again under a different band name and playing punk rock. Eventually one guy was laying on the floor, shredding on his guitar (no one does Thursdays quite as hard as they do). Other notable moments include when I bugged Alan to read Body of a Woman by Pablo Neruda, which he did, in an intense pause filled style befitting William Shatner, while nature sounds were played on the keyboard behind him. Halfway through he had thoroughly re-noticed the extent of the explicitness found in that poem and rocketed through the rest of it. Hysterical laughter happened, especially when he suggestively raised his eyebrows for a few parts. On top of that, there was the usual assortment of music from talented people singing irritating music (*coughmultipleSimplePlansongs*) to untalented people singing good music and everything in between. There's this one guy from another school who always performs and severely needs to be picked up by Disney at some point (i.e., he's fifteen, has blonde highlights and a significant tween fan base).

Today was the performing debut of this year's choir at my school's (early) Remembrance day ceremony. I was very happy with how we did - it reminded me of why I like choir and why it's worthy of my time for an hour and a half every week. It's also a plus that I got to see all the choir boys in suits and bow ties. They were (for the most part) really adorable.The choir boys in suits and bow ties probably falls on to the list of the most adorable things I've ever seen, right under "Miniature yorkies in sweaters."

Now I have long, vastly unbooked long weekend, a significant amount of tasty marked out food from work, a bit of a caffeine buzz (actually, I think that my 5pm espresso is wearing off) and a cozy sweatshirt proclaiming in large letters on the right sleeve that I graduate in 2013.
Hearts,
-J-

I'll drown my annoyance in free tea, now.

Yesterday night was just *keyboard smash*.

I usually start my shifts pretty good. I know what's going on, I can get it all done. Then I get overwhelmed, especially since customers have picked up all of the sudden and all the usual cleaning has to be completed just the same. Also, all my shifts lately have been with the person who trained me, so she takes everything I do wrong a little personally. Her manner reminds me a bit of my 10th grade English teacher who wrote fairly harsh criticisms on my papers, followed by a rather condescending smiley face. Yesterday, she told me I needed to be nicer to customers because I don't come off as friendly enough (earlier this week at the library, I was told the same thing but I was ok with it). I'm taking this more personally than I should.

Also, every single person that works at my store is female and there is usually one shift manager and one barista working at one time. Therefore, there is an obvious hierarchy and some unnecessary politics. It's kind of hard not to take things personally, which somewhere in the midst of several years of IB classes I thought I'd learned not to do. But I guess school has never required me to be friendly and observe social niceties under supervision. At work, they're moving on from seeing me as that new girl who hasn't figured everything out yet to my personality flaws of being an asshole sometimes (see previous post). I can't wait until I've been there long enough to not be under the same constant scrutiny. The ever present hierarchies are terrible and remind me too much of my previous summer student job at the church.

I know that I'm not the nicest person. I asked my dad about it and he replied,"You're not hostile. You...ah...speak your mind." So I'm really bad at social niceties. I'm at this weird point where I need to think before I speak because I'll probably offend people that I don't want to offend because people just have a lot of feelings and insecurities, dammit.

Then when I got home at 10 (after taking way too long to sweep because glitter was everywhere from the Christmas decorations) and wore plaid on plaid out of my pointed rebellion against social conventions. Then I realized that ranting to people with bigger problems than yours makes you feel a little more content with your life, but super worried for other people. There was a lengthy, civil conversation about religion between me and one of my atheist friends. Then weird conversations happened. That lasted until 2am.

Now I really don't want to go work for six hours on a Saturday night with people who may or may not judge me as being completely unsuitable for interacting with people. I'm so bad at being employed. I just want to crawl into my introverted little haven, or utilize the healing powers of laying on Tatyana's floor while watching a bad 80's movie. That would be nice. This responsibility thing is shitty sometimes.
Hearts,
-J-

Reasons I'm Kind of an Ass Sometimes: An Incomplete List

1. I hate hypocrisy so I acknowledge when I'm a hypocrite, then attempt to justify it.
2. I play mind games with people sometimes when I'm bored and get way too much joy out of it.
3. I usually show up to everything exactly on time or slightly late.
4. I demand a source whenever people tell me slightly sketchy/unbelievable fact and actually expect one.
5. I ruin the things people love by telling them the faults in them.
6. I'm really grumpy when I'm hungry/exhausted.
7. I accidentally whine without feeling particularly annoyed anything.
8. I state the truth whether people want it or not.
9. I occasionally force my opinions on impressionable people, usually about things that don't matter.
10. I use text speak ironically.
11. I say YOLO ironically.
12. I do too many things ironically and unintentionally judge people who do the same things unironically.
13. I probably sound super condescending sometimes, completely unintentionally.
14. I refuse to take on almost any responsibility at youth group, for selfish reasons.
15. I'm really loud when I shouldn't be. 
16. I make people justify themselves when I really shouldn't.
17. I avoid elderly people at all costs, the sole reason being that I'm scared they'll judge me.
18. I judge people who order complex drinks at work.
19. I usually visibly lose interest when people begin talking about their love life.
20. I'm more biased against people for stupid things than I should be. 
21. I get angry every time this kid in my English class reads aloud or does a presentation because he does this really irritating throat clearing thing every thirty seconds.
22. I'm annoyed by any debate involving religion and will either immediately admit defeat or walk away.
23. I show up uninvited.
24. I ask questions to which I already know the answer. 
25. My goal at work is simply to be better than the worst barista there.
26. I'm annoyingly cynical about nearly everything.
27. I ignore social niceties more than is apparently acceptable. 
28. I'm worried I'm becoming really self absorbed and am doing absolutely nothing about it.
29. I'm making a list of reasons I'm kind of an ass sometimes and still feel narcissistic.

Hearts,
-J-

Halloween

People dressed up pretty fine today. One of my friends dressed like a zipper and one group of guys dressed as the Polo Ralph Lauren sports. David, the SRC president, came dressed as Mitt Romney, complete with a binder full of women (he printed out pictures of women in politics and put them in a binder).

I personally was Waldo. I'll try to find a good picture for later. Here's my latest profile picture to make up for it:

Aren't I cute.

I'm in kind of writing rut at the moment. I keep starting posts and not finishing then but I'll get out of this soon enough.

TTYL, broskis.
Hearts,
-J-

Post-secondary strife.

I'm going through another bout of university strife. Everyone in my grade is going through university strife. So much strife.

So, I've come up with a basic formula for university strife: it begins as the simple question "What do I want to do next year?". Then it leads to "Well, what I want to do with my life?". Then comes the practical things, like looking at university websites and brochures to see what is in the general ballpark of what I can see myself doing. I go to a few university info sessions, ask questions to people I know, talk to other people my age about what they know and plan on doing. Now, I've reached the step of actively considering applying.

Through this huge mental process of getting ready for this step, I've narrowed down several things: I can definitely see myself being happiest at a relatively small liberal arts school. After looking at the programs offered, I can deduce that Journalism truly is something that I want to pursue. That narrows down my most likely options at this point to Saint Thomas University (STU) and University of King's College. Both are small liberal arts schools, have respected Journalism programs, aren't too far away, and have close connections to larger universities, so they offer the advantages of both small schools and large schools.

I can obviously apply to both of them (and very likely get in, due to my good marks and the nature of applying to Canadian universities), but when it comes down to which one I would prefer to go to, up until today the pro/con lists come out pretty even. Like, ridiculously, painfully even.

But today I talked to Moriah today (as we seem to do with any decision we make in our lives) about this ridiculous mental battle I'm having between these two schools. I think aloud very well to Moriah, because I know she offers trustworthy perspective and advice, and it's a habit we've got in. I stated that even though King's is slightly more expensive and further away, the school overall appeals to me more (even though I've never been there...) and I kind of want to give myself some distance. I want to start off new, which is the most cliché thing to say when going to university, but it's something that I feel I owe myself, something I've never completely gotten to do before. I need to find myself, guys (which is half a joke cliché and half how I genuinely feel). Partially due to my family's history of missionary work and my parents' time in university in Fredericton, I feel like if I go to STU, there's potential for me to forever be connected to them and have that dragging me down. I want to start off with a clean slate and no preconceived notations of my character to be bashed. Moriah reaffirmed my belief that I should start next year with some distance by confidently replying "Yeah, I think that you need that. Not everybody does, but with you, definitely yes."

Not to mention Halifax is (almost) a big city, there's more interesting things there and the school appeals to me more. It looks like a beautiful liberal arts haven of literature, knowledge, and artsy culture.

STU still has the advantage of being closer, more familiar and less expensive.

But as of today King's is winning. I'll reevaluate that after the choir trip to Halifax in a month. I think we're going to visit some universities, which would be endlessly convenient and save me finding the resources to get me there another time.

Now to apply and stuff. I should do that this week, as I don't have any shifts and now I feel that any time I don't work needs to be super productive.

Anyone else feeling the post-secondary strife?
Hearts,
-J-

Also, this was in my Amazon suggestions.

Which makes me question myself and humanity in general.

And makes me think twice about what I use Amazon for.
Amazon thinks I'm in a very specific demographic of crazy people.

Frivolity, lasagna and stabbings.

I got my first paycheck and from some sort of anomaly, it ended up being only three shifts worth of pay. I did not fret; I realized that I have spent money guilt free in a long, long time, so I set out on a quest to buy things that weren't absolute necessities. I have acquired two thrifted jackets, red lipstick and a copy of Vogue, just because I felt kind of frivolous and had the means to fulfill that.

My friends have been amused by my stories about QHD and have decided to also collect amusing stories about when they see him doing something amusing/eccentric, which is fairly often because he has no shame. Today he walked into my friends' second period Chem class (which he isn't in) with the sole purpose of spontaneously giving his friend (a character of whom my friends' have nicknamed 'Racist Greek guy') a piece of homemade lasagna. At 10:30 in the morning. I have a special brand of respect for him for occasionally being such an A+ human being. 

This morning I got a text from a panicked Tatyana: "Is everybody ok?". I pondered for a while over why everyone wouldn't be ok, then I got the news that two kids got stabbed on a school bus when it was literally pulled up beside my school. She was firmly convinced that someone we know was brutally stabbed at random by a psychopath. I attempted to convinced her that the case was probably more akin to someone of lower cognitive abilities provoking someone else of lower cognitive abilities, and so far no information has come to light that suggests otherwise. I haven't talked to a single person all day who personally know any of the people involved. The stabbed guys were quickly released from the hospital and the stabbing guy has been charged with two counts of aggravated assault and is being sent for a thirty day psychiatric assessment. The school was abuzz with a bunch of "what even."

Hopefully your day included less stabbings than mine.
Hearts,
-J-

Aimless wandering

Tonight, Will, Maegan and I loitered in parking lots while listening to Jay-Z, white people fist pumping (aka flailing) and eating McDonald's, reminiscing about amusing life moments, when we all probably should have been doing homework. It was a good time, a bit reminiscent of summer, as more and more I find that when I see my friends, we have a quick five to ten minute conversation before someone has to rush off to do something or other.

I miss aimless wandering and being around people without any particular plans. I miss when 90% of my time wasn't accounted by things that I have to do because of responsibility or necessity.

Is this what growing up is like? Ick, responsibility.
Hearts,
-J-

Notingly unnoteworthy.

I feel bad for neglecting blogging, but then I realize very few noteworthy things have happened lately. Even the things that are almost notable, I can't find a way to format them in a blog post worthy manner. I've finally hit a lull in the initial panic stage of beginning school, work and co-op all within the space of a month.

This sweater is pretty fantastic though:

Upon first looking at it, the pattern is kind of ambiguous. I originally thought it was some animals, other people thought it was some buildings, but in reality it's just a bunch of geometric shapes. I take so much joy in my thrifted old man sweaters, a passion shared with my fourteen year old brother. I'm sort of sad that dress weather is nearly over but the abundance of crunchy leaves keeps me pretty content. Walking down the street is fun now especially early in the morning before anyone else has crunched the recently fallen leaves.

I plan for a weekend of watching documentaries, reading and maybe going out a little bit. However, I'm considering becoming a hermit because when I have to be around people too much, my introverted and/or bitchy side emerges. With the help of the documentary section of Netflix, I'll learn all sorts of things this weekend.

Hopefully blog worthy things pick up.
Love,
-J-

Frazzled.

I forgot what having a job was like.

Well, I'm only working around twelve hours a week, but considering the fact that my days lately have been school, getting home at 4pm, going into work at 4:30 or 5 and getting home at 8:30, soon to be 9:30 when training ends. Unfortunately, there's no place to take a nap during my break. When I get home, I have homework to do. The days I don't work (Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday) are taken up by youth group, choir and church/homework/socializing (if I'm lucky). And this Thursday there's a yearbook thing in the evening as well and I grow to dislike yearbook more with every passing mention of it. Everything in yearbook is confusing and cliche while pretending not to be confusing and cliche.

Needless to say, I want little else other than to collapse on my bed and not get up for three days. As that's not an option, it's a good thing I get a butt load of free coffee.When things stabilize, I should feel a bit better about everything.With a bit of chill music, many hot beverages and some intense feat of time management, I can do this.

However, I feel bad that I have a constantly frazzled look about me (the amount of concealer I've gone through in the past few weeks is a little ridiculous) and I can't seem to quite put full effort into anything. I don't want to dig myself into the state of being perpetually tired and ragged.

Today dragged on to a painful degree. It didn't help that the weather was dreary and people were especially stupid (my tolerance is steadily lowering for especially stupid people).

One of the only redeeming features of this day was lunch, which I spent at a local coffee shop with an odd assortment of Library Crew, Missy, and the Hipster Youth (Reeves's nickname for the group of hipster underclassmen. He didn't notice the unfortunate resemblance to the Hitler Youth until after it stuck). We had an extended conversation about starting a business called "Buckets of Swag" which sells exactly what the name suggests. However, this one guy (who's probably permanently high on nearly everything) decided out of the blue that "swag" will actually be bull semen. By the end of that fifteen minute conversation, we had an entire business plan, including how it will get so popular that Kanye West writes a song about it and what happens when we inevitably get shut down by the FDA. Also, we probably set a record for the average number of times "bull semen" has been said per minute. Rarely have I been in that much hysterical laughter over complete nonsense. There was also a relatively intense argument of who, between Will and Missy, more deserved the the title of "sloppy white hoe." I should go to lunch with odd assortments of people more often. Amusing things happen.

Another redeeming feature is that I'm finding my way around work more and more. I'm pretty comfortable and I'm actually enjoying being around the people I've worked with. Also, I can do the bare minimum amount to be useful. I eagerly await actually having money from this. Soon. The idea of a steady income is kind of foreign to me at this point in my teenaged existence.

Hearts,
-J-

I'm smooth.

 

• Yesterday after work, I locked my keys, my spare key, my phone, my purse, my jacket and my freshly made chai tea latte (with an impressive drawing on the cup, see above) in my car. I sat around marinating in my shame until a tow truck driver fixed it with a device resembling an untwirled clothes hanger. I looked at my phone and as I was suppose to go hang out with people an hour previous, I was in possession of six messages saying "Don't have died in a car crash." I decided to then tell this story to my friends as an elaborate ten minute anecdote.
• Strongly relating to TV characters makes me really uncomfortable. I was talking to Moriah today about people we know who are frighteningly similar to TV characters, which led us to talk about what characters I'm similar to. The verdict is that I'm a mixture of Robin Scherbatsky (How I Met Your Mother) and Britta (Community) with the occasional burst of Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls).
• This will make your day better. 

Hearts,
-J-

Definitely a love/hate relationship with espresso.

Out of things achieved so far in two shifts at my job, I can say that I've learned to steam milk like a boss. Other than that, I'm pretty lost, but it's probably going to go uphill from here.When I figure things out, I'll be happy as a clam because I get free Starbucks for an undetermined amount of time and (soon) a steady paycheck. Most of the people I've worked with so far seem pretty pleasant and everything is quite laid back.

Today I woke up at 5:30am to finish an essay, accidentally dressed severely hipster and was a slightly mocked by my friends, had what was essentially a write-off morning because half the people in my classes were on a bio trip, went to co-op at the library for the afternoon, spent about forty minutes at home to eat soup, and then went to work for four hours where I had copious amounts of unfamiliar information thrown at me. Needless to say, I've been ready to keel over since 7pm, especially considering the pumpkin spice latte that I decided, in a moment of stupidity, to practically chug during my fifteen minute break. I have an uncomfortable amount of espresso coursing through my veins.

So, time to catch up on TV.
Love,
-J-

Weird day.

This morning I had a small victory because the story of when I hardcore wiped out, slid down bus stairs and on to the ground on my back in 8th grade is no longer told by that bus driver during bus safety briefing. However, Katie made sure that nearly everyone on the bus heard it anyway. But I'm no longer an official example of improper bus safety, and that, my friends, is a step up.  

I went from that victory into emotional distraughtness because I found out that two of my close friends broke up. I think I had a worse reaction to it than they did. My lack of mental preparedness for that threw me over the edge and I spent the duration of my bus ride to the library for Co-op texting in all caps and just generally freaking out (by myself, on a city bus, the words "I'M IN WORSE CONDITION THAN AT THE END OF SEASON 2 OF SHERLOCK" were texted). About two and a half hours later, I had almost completely come to terms with it and regained emotional stability, realizing that it's pretty much an ideal break up, that things probably aren't going to change much, and that I was being irrational. I do sudden change wonderfully, you see *sarcasm*. I need to suggest that people give me time to recover (not at school or alone on city buses) when they give me unexpected news because when I lose all rational thought during the occasional emotional outburst, it's not pretty. Heck, one of the recently broken up people tried to comfort me. That's not suppose to be how it works.

This brings me to the part of the day when I realized when my Co-op teacher dropped by the library to visit me that she may or may not ship QHD and me. In the first thirty seconds of visiting me, she brought him up and informed me that his Co-op placement is legitimately across an atrium from mine, the perpendicular wall to the library. I wasn't expecting that, either. Literally a stone's throw away, taking into account my lack of upper arm strength. I have a theory that the entire universe just ships us for the humour of the situation. Should be interesting, both spending afternoons in that proximity to QHD and being part of my Co-op teacher's suspected OTP.

I also think that my bad childhood OCD may be reemerging, which I hope isn't the case. #dayofthemillioninitialisms

And that, folks, is basically what sums up my weird day. May your day be less fraught with weird than mine.
Hearts,
-J-

Flippy clocks are cool.

Today was a good day of accomplishing things that I've been putting off forever. The walls of my room are slightly less bare than before with the addition of maps, my $3 flippy clock is fixed after I bothered my brother for a while and my ample collection of scarves is washed of that stuffed-in-a-closet-all-summer smell. Along with that, the most recent episode of Doctor Who is finally watched, along with another three episodes of Gilmore Girls (I have a problem) and I've acquired about six months worth of music suggestions in one sitting, as I need to get my pretentious barista music tastes up to scratch. I'm kind of overwhelmed by the 100+ new songs in my itunes because I don't know where to start listening. It's a good type of overwhelmed.

However, tomorrow I have to stop being an antisocial machine of minute accomplishments for a little while to have Thanksgiving dinner. I kind of dread every time I have to go see my relatives. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but whether it's true or not, I feel like they judge me a lot. In that house in the depths of the country, less than half of them graduated from high school. And there I am, an intellectual/artsy kid born and raised in the city. Basically, I am the polar opposite of them in most aspects.

I know that I'm going to show up tomorrow, stand around the awkward huddle of my cousins and their significant others and be asked questions about my life (because I never do anything interesting enough to make it into interfamilial gossip). At least now, unlike summer, I can say that I have a job. Then they can make subtle pokes at the fact that I'm (1) perpetually single and (2) going into liberal arts next year, lasting all of an awkward but inevitable 2-5 minutes. There are enough people in my family who manage to poke at my insecurities in a joking sort of way that makes me uncomfortable. 

Well, hopefully I get lemon meringue pie and a few good laughs out of tomorrow. 

Mika - Elle Me Dit

^I think I'm going to start putting music down here^

Hearts,

-J-

Zombie walkin'

 Today was Zombie Walk, an event where people get zombied up and spend a ridiculous amount of time theatrically ambling down a main road. Technically, it's for charity, but it's more of a "'cause YOLO" type of event.

With Kaelen's help, I was pretty zombied up, but we were little in comparison to some of the people that showed up. We still looked sufficiently out of place as we drank hot chocolate at Tim Hortons afterwards. 'Twas fun.
Hearts,
-J-

Christmas unicorn.

Just a casual reminder that Sufjan Stevens exists and is a majestic being that released a twelve minute long song about how he is a Christmas unicorn from his fifty-eight track Christmas album. That's a $15 I'm willing to spend.

I'm speechless from the amount of unexplainable awesome that is Sufjan Stevens.
Love,
-J-

An elephant of information is in my brain.

My head is just so full of information. This afternoon, my first day at my Co-op placement at the library, included a crash course in library software. It was from a librarian with a fantastic beard. I was also introduced to upwards of fifteen people and my mind is full of names that I can't place with faces and half of snippets of information that will probably eventually come in handy. A highlight of the library was when I came across this gem while shelving which was especially funny because it was on the cart, which means that someone checked it out, which means that with any luck, there is a small, knitted royal wedding out there.

I left my crash course in library software to attend a crash course in yearbook software. Yearbook is so pretentious that I often just blankly stare at the computer screen and try to figure out how I got there. The co-editors-in-chief are the two most nondescript humans to ever walk the planet*, and I'm suppose to go to a meeting on Wednesday about fonts. They need a separate meeting for fonts. I'm taking my city bus to Co-op, as there's no way I'm wasting a lunch hour discussing my lack of opinions about fonts. Hopefully yearbook looks up as more stuff begins to happen and hopefully the other editor for my section didn't actually bail on yearbook as she appears to at this point.

After two crash courses in previously unfamiliar and slightly obscure subjects, I came home and researched Chilean flora for some BS IB English project. At least I can forget Chilean flora when I'm done.

When I start baristaing, my mind will probably explode from all the information I have to remember. I suppose I'll settle in eventually and have acquired all I need to be super knowledgeable about libraries, coffee and fonts.

At least I have a long weekend coming up (I heart Canadian thanksgiving) and I'm going to see Looper tomorrow night with my Library Crew friends.

*The quotation from Catch-22, "Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was," applies equally well to both of the editor-in-chiefs (well, except that one is female). I passively dislike them for being such incredibly dull people/ having no sense of humor/ lacking in any personality whatsoever.
Love,
-J-

I suppose this is what led me to buy $7 of M&Ms in the first place

It's 5:30am and I still feel too emotionally mangled to face this week with any enthusiasm at all, not to mention I start my Co-op placement at the library this afternoon. Not to mention I have an English presentation on Chilean flora to finish for tomorrow, a yearbook meeting after school in which I need to learn software in the presence of the most pretentious/boring people I've ever found and my overly excitable English teacher who constantly has her head in the clouds, this weird almost cough that is just enough to keep me from sleeping comfortably, a history essay about Bismarck that I want to finish before Thanksgiving weekend, I start applying to universities anytime now, a World Lit paper to start at some point and a job starting in a week that begins with consuming lots of caffeine at an unfortunate time in the evening that means I will either build up my evening caffeine tolerance or not sleep much for two weeks of training. I hope that having a busy life doesn't mean that I break a lot. I can deal with all this, I just don't need unnecessary emotions to get in the way. Pesky emotions.

I look forward to a few things on this list and I can deal with the rest but I'm presently extremely overwhelmed. Hippie Jesus camp just pushed me over the edge. Dammit, Hippie Jesus camp.

All I want right now is a few summer days to live without having half a gazillion things to deal with. I might need take the approach of laying on the floor for a few hours (when I have the time) and eventually get up and continue with life, which usually helps to some degree. I think I'll make it through with the remaining of the $7 of M&Ms I bought on Friday.

And for someone who feels generally content with their life, I've had a lot of existential crises as of late.
Love,
-J-

My own personal song of despair.

After a four hour drive, sleeping after drinking dark roast coffee, eating half a grilled cheese sandwich at a truck stop in which the cheese wasn't even melted, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just really Hippie Jesus camp hungover. I feel so mentally and physically ajifilkdkfslakdkfjalwriohjtu right now. Or, as Allan put it so delicately when I looked like I was considering strangling people in the truck stop, it's probably because I'm on my period. Thank you, Allan. Considering I never even brought that up, I think that he has too many sisters.

Hippie Jesus camp was pretty mediocre. It made me feel bad about myself as a person and realize I have absolutely no direction in my faith at all right now. Everybody else seemed to have a great, enriching time while I despaired quietly while slightly loathing myself. I even cried once, out feeling little but despair in a room full of happiness. Then I was told that maybe I was having a mediocre time because I didn't put myself out there as much as everyone else did. Which, you know, was probably a bit true, but mostly because I was being overwhelmed by everything happening. The Vineyard isn't known for their subtlety. Somehow I left with a feeling of being overall personally underwhelmed by the events of the weekend. While everyone else appears to be high on Jesus and adrenaline, I now feel terrible.

And now I try to pinpoint why I feel terrible:

I'm not doubting my religion, I'm doubting my capacity to deal with it. Whenever I try to talk about that sentiment, I just can't express it. I hate openly despairing about this because it's like when you state you have a sore throat: everybody seems to have a differing, slightly condescending sure fire suggestion to fix it for you, which in reality, none of it works. Also, I hate being venerable by saying "Hey, I haven't been digging this Jesus thing lately and can you help me in a non-judgmental way without looking down on me?" No one knows how to deal with me because I'm born and raised Christian who is slowly slipping not into a path of distinct evil, but of consistent apathy. I'm not quite to that yet, but I'm getting there and feeling appropriately shitty about it.

It's especially hard at the Vineyard because there is so much going on and I'm so underwhelmed for no particular reason. My "I'm not feeling this right now" would probably frustrate people to no end because there's also a gazillion distinctly Jesusy things always going on.

Also, I've had way too many mental/emotional breakdowns at youth group through the years and I don't like how people have dealt with them. Blog quasi-breakdowns/rants are so much less memorable. You see, usually I'm so guarded that people are really thrown off when I have a moment of vulnerability. I'm so guarded I don't know how to cope with me, I just have sudden realizations of why things seem wrong.

Almost everything religion related has made me hate things lately so I must be doing something wrong. Which, again, makes me hate myself more. I'm doing bible camp/religion wrong and have no sweet clue what to do about it. This bothers me a lot, especially as a kid who grew up in church, has parents who were missionaries for several years, has spent multiple nights a week at youth group functions through most of my teen years, and worked at a church for a summer.

The especially weird thing about this is that for the first time ever, I feel like I've pieced almost every area of my life together in a satisfactory manner. Except this, which I'm downright hopeless at right now. #Juliannedoesreligionfor17yearsandsuddenlysucks

Now I'm going to ignore people and homework, listen to Sufjan Stevens to block out the annoying drones of my family and avoid pulling too much of my hair out. I want to go to bed, but I also want clean jeans tomorrow.
Love,
-J-

Pygmy goats and rap battles

Today I had an unnaturally emotional reaction to finding out that pygmy goats exist from Allan in second period. I couldn't even deal. I need a pygmy goat because they are by far the most adorable things to ever exist.There has been a lot of squeeing and preaching the good word of pygmy goats to everyone that crossed my path. Also, Will put this together for this when I said, in my pygmy goat frazzled state, that Looper sounds like a good movie but needs more pygmy goats:

I appreciate what lengths my friends go to in my semi-psychotic emotional outbursts about ridiculous things.

Also, I took part in a rap battle today. I joked a few days ago that we should show up with wrapping paper and wrap some boxes. Somebody decided yesterday to actually sign us up for it and I was torn over whether it would be funny or awkward. Thankfully, it leaned toward the funny side. We dressed like rappers to the best of our abilities. I wore a snap back.We still didn't win but the two scrawny white hipster guys we were up against were rapping entertaining trash talk as opposed to wrapping presents so I suppose they deserved it.

Adam, a comedic genius of my school (his accomplishments including standing on a table at the musical after party and reciting Aragorn's speech while waving a legitimate sword, and his "kind of long jokes" that turn out to be hour long stories with hugely intentionally unsatisfying endings) eventually decided he would give rapping a try. As his lanky frame hopped around the stage, my favorite lines include "I got hoes in different area codes" and ended with "You can't phase me, because I'm taking full IB!" Had he been using a mic, I feel that at that point he would have dropped it.
Love,
-J-

Employment, yo.

The mug from church that I have designated as mine but do not understand in the least.

Well, I'm employed now. I don't start training until October 9th, but hey, that's okay. I have a little while to settle into my Co-op placement before having to settle into a job that involves hot liquids and aprons with pockets. Perks include that I get a consistent income and acquire lots of barista knowledge, along with getting a pretty decent resume during my senior year, between Co-oping at the library and a barista job. Also, free Starbucks during work breaks. This Christmas season will be fraught with calories.

This is going to be one busy semester/year. But that's not an immediate concern so I'll just ignore it for now.
Love,
-J-

Of Swedish electronica and sweaters.

 The more I drive, the more I have this rapidly increasing love of electronic music. Moriah and I rocked out to the above song all day (disclaimer: a bit of swearing). I want to go to a party just so I can awkward-white-person-dance to this song and then leave. Or, the likelier option, drive around, obnoxiously blasting it to the best of the Jetta radio's ability without damaging my eardrums, wearing a ridiculously teenaged outfit and dance at stop lights while people in other cars judge me. I'm currently alternating between that one song and Sufjan Stevens to contrast enough to make it as danceable as possible every time. It makes me want to consider trashing any life plans and become part of a female electronica duo from Sweden. Anyone want to join? I need to use my endless sass and lack of sentimentality for something. From what I see here, Swedish electronica seems like a good outlet for those two qualities. Also, I could probably wear whatever I want for the rest of my life and everyone would be ok with it. 

This weekend was pretty great. On Saturday, I spent a few hours at the library (which has magical de-stressing properties), ate a skor cupcake, went thrifting and got both a mug with a face and a new sweater.* After baking cookies with opera in the background, I went to watch Doctor Who at Tatyana's which didn't happen because the TV guide was lying to us and said it wasn't on.**

Today I ate breakfast at Moriah's, as is our weekly pre-church tradition, and caught up because despite the fact that I have three classes with her, I rarely get a chance to talk to her. In the afternoon, we curled up and watched "Legally Blonde: The Musical" and I'm sorely disappointed that this was my first encounter with that masterpiece.

This had all the elements to make this the weekend that I needed. Library, friends, laying on Tatyana's floor and consuming lots of food containing loads of cheese.

* I have a continuously growing collection of old man sweaters, which thanks to the Canadian fall being upon me,  I get to start wearing on a steady basis with my equally large collection of scarves. I should start posting pictures because those sweaters are really fantastic, especially as a collection. In related news, I don't even know what has been going on with my clothes lately but I appreciate it. I think it clicked that I'm a senior and somehow my clothing choices are affected by that. I mean, I unashamedly wore bright blue tights last week and didn't feel self conscious in the least.

(Today's fantastic sweater and not fantastic hair.)

** I would be infuriated with the lying TV guide, but I was invited to a Doctor Who party next Saturday. A bunch of people are gathering to eat Doctor Who related food stuffs, drink tea and be emotionally supportive to each other during the big episode. There is no more enjoyable way that I can think of how to spend a Saturday night. Why my friends so cool.
Love,
-J-

Good gravy.

I got asked out yesterday.

By who I will now refer to, for simplicity's sake, as QHD (Quasi-Hipster Dealer). You know, my new friend from a few days ago. Who was drunk during the second day of school. The one I air high fived for being Ravenclaws. Yeah, that one.

The entire situation is layers of hilarity and sad.

Because I responded "no, sorry" in the exact same manner that I had five minutes earlier when he had asked if I had headphones. He really is a good guy and I have a lot in common with him, but he is also really screwed up (and one of my friends has a 'history' with him which in this situation is just vastly uncomfortable). And everything in my being screams that everything about this would be a terrible idea.

That was reinforced by Will being heartbroken that I didn't say yes to QHD, as I quote "WHAT ABOUT THAT SITUATION WOULD NOT BE HILARIOUS/AWESOME/TERRIFIC." With that advice, I think I should retract any legitimacy of future 'sassy-gay-friend-who-isn't-gay' dating/relationship advice. Basically, I realize that 90% of the time if Will thinks something is a good idea, it's a downright terrible idea. The conscience part of his brain is missing so I have to fill in occasionally.

Tatyana used to be friends with QHD and she was practically in hysterics after I told her because everything about that whole thing is just incredibly amusing and improbable.

Oh well, life goes on, but still feel a little bad about turning him down. But the entire thing is still pretty damn funny.
Love,
-J-

I'm pretty much a badass.

My predicted future vehicle.

 I got news of my Co-op placement today. (*note, Co-op is a course in 12th grade where you spend the entire morning or afternoon of a semester in a workplace of somewhat your choosing.)

More or less, it looks like the plan will be that I'm shared between two libraries. From what I understood, the Co-op head person in district office asked the fairly impressive main branch library down the road from school if they could take me and they were like "dfakajfdk, I have so much going on I can't think straight but I can ask the other branches." The pitifully small branch close to my side of town was like "Hey, I can take her but there's no way I have enough around here for another person five days a week. Heck, we're not even open Mondays." Then another person at the main branch got wind of the situation and was like "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? DID YOU JUST SCARE OFF A POTENTIAL LIBRARIAN? YOU IDIOT, WE NEED TO PASS ON OUR LEGACY" and offered to take me on for a few days a week. They compromised and now they both get me. That's the gist of it.

I feel so wanted. This shared deal is nice because I don't want to spend every lunch hour on a city bus going east, or have to go through hell to get back uptown for extracurricular things. I hope I get to spend more time at the uptown library, as more things actually go on there, but I'll just have to see how things work out.

And I'm kind of nerding out over the prospect of spending the afternoon in a library for five days a week for two school credits.

Now I will proceed with my mini essay that I'm writing about Bismarck, while in my pjs, which I put on at 7:30 and then pondering going to Tim Hortons without changing my attire. Then I decided this neighbourhood is far too suburban for that and I know people who work there who would probably judge me.
Love,
-J-