Goodbyes.

My friends have started leaving me.  

In their defense, I am also leaving but that’s only for a week. 

I said bye to Allan today for six weeks as he goes to a work exchange in another province. He showed up at my house this morning because he was in the area, right after I woke up. He was quite buzzed on energy drinks and lack of sleep, resulting in a giddy Allan speaking at breakneck speeds. We legitimately talked for around twenty minutes about British television and then he had to leave to catch his bus to Quebec. I was sadder than I thought I would be, though maybe it was because I was extremely under caffeinated, especially in comparison to his energy drink high. I’ll miss him. 

Tatyana is also leaving to spend a month in Ontario. I’m sure that she’ll keep in touch (considering that in today alone she’s sent me thirty texts). I hope she keeps in touch with Alan (different guy than previous Allan, but who unfortunately shares the same last name as well as first) because I’m convinced that she is the only thing that is between him and a deep, doomed pit of unending depression that he never shuts up about. Tatyana is a dear, but I know I'll see her a bunch when she gets back. She's a cheerful face in every situation.

Moriah is embarking later this weekend on a choir tour thing she’s gone on for the past few years with a nearby Bible college. She’s only gone for two weeks. I went to the concert last year and it was essentially the Christian Glee. One of their songs was about lifting high the name of Jesus, and part way through the song, a banner printed with ‘JESUS’ was raised over the choir. As if that wasn’t enough, in another song the middle aged male choir director (sporting fabulous hair, obviously) at one point turned around and had a heartfelt solo. She’ll be back a few days after I get back so I don’t feel too sad about her absence. I also get to see this year's concert which hopefully doesn't disappoint the standards of ridiculous set by last year.

After all this today, mixed with other events of late, something sparked my greater, deeper fear of saying goodbye to people, especially for long periods of time. I feel like I’ve just said too many goodbyes for someone who is but seventeen. Saying goodbye to me feels like an invitation for change (in you and them); an admission of needing to separating paths, for better or worse. Saying goodbye feels like losing control of a relationship.

I think it’s one of the scars I carry from leaving my school in Kenya, when I had to leave everyone I knew well to face a scary world full of unknown things, and later visiting my friends from RVA here when they came back on furlough. Things were definitely different, but we accepted it and had fun, even with knowing that things would never quite be the same. But then one of them had to go and die in a car crash, leaving me with the feeling that my previous goodbye in person had been inadequate and the lingering fear that my goodbyes will be permanent or mark the last moment when things were good between me and a person. Goodbyes feel more final than they should. This is something that I can’t quite shake off, and the end of next year will probably bring a lot of grief for me with graduation. 

I don’t know if any of that made sense. I just have a lot of unnecessary paranoia of losing people that's been especially bad lately because of events in my life.

Love,

-J-

*showtune lyric of choice in all caps*

I've spent the last few days in this sort of cycle of waking up, reading, making something decent for lunch (like the above pesto, omnonon), tumblr/blog/facebook, painting my room while rocking out to my 'Soundtrack' playlist (something I rarely allow myself to indulge in, consisting of songs from ALL the musicals), and leaving the house to do something or other.

I could get used to this. I finally have time to do things that I want to do. The only thing that could be better is if I had a job dammit. Seriously, I've applied at McDonald's for goodness sake; in theory, somewhere should call me back eventually.

I'm doing a pretty good job of socializing. Some of my recent social endeavors have included a Men in Black marathon and organizing a large Apples-to-Apples game of epic proportions. However, it seems as of around July 1st a large number of people are leaving for whatever summer shenanigans they're up to. I'm also vacationing for a week, but then I get back to a city nearly devoid of friends.

Now I shall go eat something resembling tacos and will put another layer of yellow on my walls while belting out tunes from Rent/The Sound of Music/Les Mis/West Side Story/Across the Universe/Phantom of the Opera/Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat/etc. Tonight I'm going to see Brave and I'm really pumped, especially because (1) it's pouring rain and (2) it's cheap night. Therefore, I won't feel guilty for neglecting the nice outdoors and will pay under $10 *fist pump*.

Also, I have developed a slight addiction: #excessiveironicoveruseofhashtags. It's especially bad because I use them in verbal conversation, sometimes on facebook, and none where they're actually socially acceptable. Is there #hashtagsanonymous available for this or something?
Love,
-J-

New glasses.

 

I got new glasses. I feel like they are comically large but I still dig them. I don't look like as much of a librarian as I did in my previous glasses.
Love,
-J-

I get by with a little help from my friends.

Sometimes I realize that my friends are really awesome.

They're generally really strange moments, but awesome nonetheless.

Moments like looking up dubstep reggae over facebook with a friend I haven't talked to for several months because of the statement "I always want to find songs that make me feel like jello . . . dubstep reggae would be perfect!" and concluding that it makes one feel like jello in a cannabis mold. 

Or like laying on the grass in a public park in a square, singing "Call Me Maybe" and keeping certain people from eating vegetation because "I'll be one of the few people in the world that knows what a twig tastes like."

Or being serenaded by ukulele while making pancakes on Sunday mornings.

Or planning an Apples-to-Apples party of relative size.

Or reading children's books about pigeons out loud in stores.

Or collaborating with several people to create the best possible short story about pirates.

I think revisiting my middle school (because of my brother's eighth grade graduation) and all the anti-nostalgia I've acquired from that is helping me feel great joy for the present life I live. I just remember how terrible everything was in middle school, how much I realized that at the time, and that I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I don't feel those things now. I feel a sort of contentedness that contrasts greatly with what I had a few years ago.

This is the first time in a while that good things in life are overpowering bad things.
Love,
-J-

Assortment of prom pics, broskis.

So, Maegan and I crashed prom yesterday for approximately one song. The thing is, there were actually twelve people left, and it was only 9. Everybody scrambled off to parties as soon as their parents left.

I got some interesting pictures:

 

Tatyana seemed to think it was a a good moment for a handstand.

Photographic evidence of crashing prom. #damngirlthatface

 In all honesty, I actually got some nice pictures, they're just not these ones.

Also, spent about half an hour today arguing with somebody today that his women problems stem from not acknowledging the fact that women are people and that only by respecting them will he get worthwhile relationships. The sad part is that he argued against me. #shedstearforhumanity. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR SOME PEOPLE TO BELIEVE THAT WOMEN ARE PEOPLE. I need to prepare a feminist rant for times like these.

I briefly must attend school tomorrow to pick up my report card. Dragging myself out of bed should be fun.
Love,
-J-

Prom. Lol.

I'm going to prom tonight. But by 'going to prom,' I mean watching the grand march, killing a few hours, and then going to Tatyana's for a 'party' which will have cake and a confirmed attendance of five people. It's the prom party that arose out of Tatyana not wanting to go to actual prom parties. Board games are a distinct possibility. Don't know how I feel about that.
Love,
-J-

Open letter to tell me good things about the world:

Somebody please just comment nice things about the world/universe/life/your day. I need it today. I'm just incredibly emotionally exhausted, it's only noon and summer just kicked off in a shitty manner.

Let me begin spewing happy things: Elmo (from Seasame Street) is played by a large black man. I got a really comfy duvet a few days ago. Also, here is a picture of me at a farmer's market with a face paint alien last weekend:

Continue happy things in the comments, s'il vous plaît, you lovely people.
Love,
-J-

My feelings this particular morning about Physics:

Four hours until it's over and summer has arrived. Then I can go eat a waffle in celebration.

After that I can fight my recent bout of lethargy for a little while. That's kind of difficult thing to muster up motivation for, considering the nature of it.
Love,
-J-

Twenty seven hours until summer

I'm going through exams in complete denial of their existence. I'm even wearing reasonable outfits,  make up, and I'm completely lacking the frazzled look I usually sport during exams. I even said "Screw studying" yesterday and went to the beach with a strange lack of guilt. After tomorrow's physics exam, I have several things to look forward to, including two weeks of no solid plans whatsoever.

Firstly, I need to continue my job hunt. I told myself that if I got to mid-June without a job, then I would apply at McDonald's. I came to the conclusion in Giant Tiger* on Monday that I just have to readjust my integrity and apply everywhere remaining. Katie seems pretty confident that McDonald's hires anybody who is an able bodied, 'intelligent' life form.

Secondly, I've decided to try a few weeks being a vegetarian, more or less for the heck of it.

Thirdly, I want to get relatively in shape so I can consider going into field hockey in the fall. I should give this sports things one more shot before the end of high school. Field hockey is the one sport I've ever enjoyed in the slightest. That was in 6th grade, but I've considered trying out for the last two years, so I may as well go for it. Cause YOLO.**

Lastly, I should be social. Hanging out with people wouldn't kill me. I'm considering revisiting the church I worked at last summer to do my bit to keep the summer students' lives from turning into hell, and because I may have a few friends working there. I will be there to fight for summer student rights and to help with stuff I know how to do. By the end of the summer I'd figured out how to fast track the bureaucracy that is a baptist church. I need to share my wisdom with appreciating souls. Volunteering for stuff is fine, but that job pretty much sucked ass because you were obligated to do everything, every day, and I had to fight for free time.

To my English exam!

*Sketchy stores bring out the best decisions in me.

**I say this ironically. Because it sounds stupid if it's said unironically.
Love,
-J-

Yearbook day: The Day To Feel All the Things

The yearbook cover is gorgeous.

 I usually hate yearbook day because I have to rack my brain for things to write to people who have little significance in my life. This year was different.

I think that it's because, after three years, I'm finally finding my place in high school. I have so many people I consider to be friends that make my time worthwhile. I have so many memories with so many different people, whether they be from choir, musical, classes, etc. It also helps that most people have come out of their shells by now and I have notable, non generic compliments to write in their yearbooks.

My original favorite yearbook message was Fred's, which was "I was going to write something obscene but you wouldn't let me." The message that emerged my final favorite was Reeves's: "You are random in the best ways. You're like Juno minus the pregnancy." He then tacked on "Bagpipes. Snails."

BEST. COMPLIMENT. EVER. I feel strangely honored to be compared to Juno (minus the pregnancy). I live my life in hope that I be seen as belonging in a Canadian Indie movie about a quirky pregnant teenager. Of all characters to be compared to, she is possibly the best.

After that was year end video for the rest of the morning, where pictures of school functions and generally unrelated amusing video clips are tacked together into a nearly two hour, student created film.They ended with the grad section, which left me feeling very sad and sentimental, even though I have a year left. I have to keep telling myself that.

This afternoon held the choir party at Ms. G.'s house. There was lots of food, more yearbook signing, swimming in a pool made of liquified Antarctica, observing the comically fluffy dog and cuddle piles while lazing in the sunshine. It was probably my last time hanging out with most of the grads for a long time. SO MANY FEELS.
Love,
-J-

Sufjan Stevens - Impossible Soul

Sufjan Stevens is growing on me more and more.

Restless

Probably the coolest building in Boston. Or ever.

 I feel restless today.

Firstly, it's the uncomfortable empty space between classes ending and exams. I just don't know how to properly make use of this time, as it is more time than I need to study (even though I feel that I should be) but not quite time to celebrate summer.

Next, I don't have a job this summer yet. Hopefully with a little more hunting, I can locate one. I actually don't know what I'll do with my time this summer but I'm considering just signing up to volunteer for ALL THE THINGS (as a lot of my friends do to build up volunteer hours for their IB diploma). I'm having difficulty with facing two months, essentially unplanned, and I'm now considering activities that will be useful and methods to avoid becoming a hermit.

Lastly, I realized about a month ago that I was mentally preparing myself to graduate, only to come to the sudden realization that I still have an entire year left. I'm in a time where I know graduation is relatively close but it's not materializing yet. I still have so many milestones associated with senior year to still pass. I have yet to experience grad class events, the chaotic search for a prom dress, applying to universities and making massive decisions for my future.

What is this feeling of idleness? I feel like I am strangely without purpose, more than usual. It's a sort of an anxious calm before the storm.
 Love,
-J-

Sufjan Stevens - Chicago

So excited, I just can't hide it.

One class day left and affirmation that next year is going to kick ass.

I'll be in 12th grade, something that I've felt is so far away. I'm part of choir, I'm a photographer and section editor for yearbook, I want to join the madrigal/jazz choir*, be part of the (hopefully existent) musical, and I think that I'm part of the drama&arts/special events/social committee**. I think that means I'm on the SRC (student council)?

I also have the advantage of an awesome grad class with a lovely executive committee, and a facebook group formerly named 'The Hot Damn Grad Class 2013 Facebook Group' but is now 'The Hot Darn Grad Class 2013 Facebook Group.' We will do fun things.

The sad part is that my 12th grade friends will be all graduated and moved away, for the most part. I will miss them. I'm worried that things, especially choir and musical, will feel like an empty shell of what it was this year.

*because my school is that badass, and no, we don't understand that combination either.
** This is because I was added to the facebook group for it, which is cool, but slightly awkward that (1) no one asked me, (2) didn't apply and (3) it has not yet been mentioned to me by anyone. Honestly, I didn't even know there were committees for this stuff. Awk.
Love,
-J-

Room redecoration ideas

I've decided that in a few weeks, I'm going to devote some time to redecorate my room, something that I inadvertently do every year. Here are a few things that I want to do:

First of all, I want to paint the walls a coral color. Lime green is getting a bit annoying after a year and a half, I'm ready for something new and I don't have the same incredible aversion to pinkish colors that I did several years ago. Coral is a very lovely color, though I may get a little hung up on finding the perfect shade in between not-too-orange and not-too-pink.

 

 I want to paint a tree on my wall in dark brown or black. Just a silhouette, as I'm not that artistically talented, and even that will probably be with the help of a projector.

 I also want to rid my walls of the clutter I've collected over a few years. I only want to put nice things on the walls, as opposed to everything from old calender pictures to ratty posters to pencil drawings on looseleaf. I want to do something with frames.

 

So yeah. My thoughts for today. 

Love-

The past revisited

My parents invited my former youth pastor and his wife over to our house for supper. I haven't talked to them for around two and a half years. It's a long story but the gist of it is that they left my church under some strange circumstances. At that point in time I was really close to them and they were major influences in my life. Due to some recent events, however, my parents got close to them again.

I'm just really nervous and needed to jot down some thoughts. It's just really weird to see people over at your house after they disappeared from your life several years ago. I'm kind of scared to leave my room to go see them because it has a lot of potential to be awkward, or something. Now I'll suck it up and go talk to them.
Love,
-J-