Goodbyes.

My friends have started leaving me.  

In their defense, I am also leaving but that’s only for a week. 

I said bye to Allan today for six weeks as he goes to a work exchange in another province. He showed up at my house this morning because he was in the area, right after I woke up. He was quite buzzed on energy drinks and lack of sleep, resulting in a giddy Allan speaking at breakneck speeds. We legitimately talked for around twenty minutes about British television and then he had to leave to catch his bus to Quebec. I was sadder than I thought I would be, though maybe it was because I was extremely under caffeinated, especially in comparison to his energy drink high. I’ll miss him. 

Tatyana is also leaving to spend a month in Ontario. I’m sure that she’ll keep in touch (considering that in today alone she’s sent me thirty texts). I hope she keeps in touch with Alan (different guy than previous Allan, but who unfortunately shares the same last name as well as first) because I’m convinced that she is the only thing that is between him and a deep, doomed pit of unending depression that he never shuts up about. Tatyana is a dear, but I know I'll see her a bunch when she gets back. She's a cheerful face in every situation.

Moriah is embarking later this weekend on a choir tour thing she’s gone on for the past few years with a nearby Bible college. She’s only gone for two weeks. I went to the concert last year and it was essentially the Christian Glee. One of their songs was about lifting high the name of Jesus, and part way through the song, a banner printed with ‘JESUS’ was raised over the choir. As if that wasn’t enough, in another song the middle aged male choir director (sporting fabulous hair, obviously) at one point turned around and had a heartfelt solo. She’ll be back a few days after I get back so I don’t feel too sad about her absence. I also get to see this year's concert which hopefully doesn't disappoint the standards of ridiculous set by last year.

After all this today, mixed with other events of late, something sparked my greater, deeper fear of saying goodbye to people, especially for long periods of time. I feel like I’ve just said too many goodbyes for someone who is but seventeen. Saying goodbye to me feels like an invitation for change (in you and them); an admission of needing to separating paths, for better or worse. Saying goodbye feels like losing control of a relationship.

I think it’s one of the scars I carry from leaving my school in Kenya, when I had to leave everyone I knew well to face a scary world full of unknown things, and later visiting my friends from RVA here when they came back on furlough. Things were definitely different, but we accepted it and had fun, even with knowing that things would never quite be the same. But then one of them had to go and die in a car crash, leaving me with the feeling that my previous goodbye in person had been inadequate and the lingering fear that my goodbyes will be permanent or mark the last moment when things were good between me and a person. Goodbyes feel more final than they should. This is something that I can’t quite shake off, and the end of next year will probably bring a lot of grief for me with graduation. 

I don’t know if any of that made sense. I just have a lot of unnecessary paranoia of losing people that's been especially bad lately because of events in my life.

Love,

-J-