Today was weird.
It was like I should have had fun, seeing people I haven't seen for while, but hanging out with a group of people I haven't been around in several months that I used to be really tight with just gave me this moment where I stared at the bonfire and had a near existential crisis.
I mean, I love everybody I was with, it's just that something about our friendship has changed since we hung out last time: we've moved on to other close friends, other places, other things and the foundation of our friendship seems a little weird, if not shaky. We used to be kind of 'cliquey' I guess, but our entire dynamic has changed because we haven't kept up with each other.
Maybe we're trying to hold on to something that we don't possess anymore. Our hearts just weren't in it like they used to be. We were all kind of distant and distracted. Or at least that's how I felt. A lot of us don't even have that much in common anymore. I don't know how to describe it other than weird, even a little uncomfortable sometimes.
I think this bothers me the most because I'll probably have a lot of moments like this in the years to come in relation to friends and things. There will come a time just get over things and to move on. Change is a terrible thing to try to come to terms with while staring into a bonfire. I just feel sad and slightly jarred.
Now I'm trying to deal with the tail end of this existential crisis by drinking peppermint tea and listening to Sufjan Stevens. An existential crisis is a bad way to spend a Friday night.
Love,
-J-
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