How do I emotions and stuff.

I had a small series of existential crises today.

In short, I hated (nearly) everyone and their opinions, felt like a shitty person (because youth group is a large series of guilt trips that make me feel like a shitty person on a moral level), felt weak because I felt like a shitty person and have little desire to do anything about it, schoolwork is building up, applying for universities begins soon, there are scholarship essays to write, extracurricular stuff to attend and I might have a job soon along with a Co-op placement at a yet undetermined workplace. I probably will be found weeping over my agenda at some point in the near future. I kind of want to maintain a small social life, too, but that comes depressingly low on my priorities.

I'm not adjusting well to things picking up again. I've felt increasingly not cheerful for days and I think I'm inching towards a bout of depression or a small mental breakdown. I know my patterns. Hopefully it's just a false alarm and everything isn't so terrible after a few days.

I just want to punch things. And to sleep. And to lay on Tatyana's floor while watching movies without anything else to do. I miss the cheerful simplicity of summer.

I need a weekend so bad. A real, nearly homework devoid weekend.
Love,
-J-

I think I befriended a drug dealer.

I haven't quite bounced back from my cold yet, as in I feel pretty good but my appetite is still weird and I'm still noticeably irritable.

I was pretty grumpy until Co-op this afternoon, when the class ran out of things to do and I ended up having spirited conversations with the guy who was drunk during the second day of school. Despite the fact that he got kicked out of school for dealing last year and originally appeared to be a complete burnout, we have a lot in common, aka, we bond over nerdy things. We argued over some logistics of several different situations at Hogwarts, air high fived over being Ravenclaws, argued over marijuana legislation (which led him to tell me a detailed recipe for weed brownies which I will never use), and laughed about the description of the time that his cat ate shrooms. The mental image of shroomed cats brightened up my day. We talked about all sorts of things while the rest of the class sat there looking boring and/or stoned.

Guys, I think I befriended a drug dealer.

At least my other friends got some humour out of the situation because I'm the Christian, straightedge, responsible one. But when put in a room with a lot of boring people, I move towards the interesting ones. I hold being boring against people way more than I should.

I also had my senior interview with the guidance counselor today. Basically, he printed out my transcript, saw how many credits I have (I need 17 and by the end of this year I'll most likely have 24), briefly glanced over my marks and asked me questions about my plans for next year. He surprised me by being a competent guidance counselor, as my school has rarely had those in the past. Apparently, if I raise my grade average by 2%, I can get a lot more money to help with paying for university. I can do this. I also now know where to find scholarship information and that will likely take a bit of my free time from me. I plan to write some awesome essays and get money so the prospect of paying for university doesn't scare me as much.

With that interview, suddenly my senior year got serious in my eyes. I need to get my responsible self together and get on everything. Get that 2% and get some cash in scholarships. I literally can't afford to burnout this year.
Love,
-J-

Cold meds make one feel floaty.

Today was a weird haze of cold med-induced disorientation. My words were vocal equivalents of keyboard smashes. I felt like I was floating down the school hallway and I think that I might have scared some of my friends with my general over medicatedness and disdain for everything. I was mildly freaking out while I hugged my binder for comfort and blurted about how I almost seriously thought for several seconds that I was invisible. Yeah. Don't take cold meds on an empty stomach. However, directly after that I wrote half a research essay about Bismarck in one class. I guess that IB has conditioned me so that I can write an essay come hell or high water.

We started singing Christmas songs in Madrigal/Jazz Choir today. Madrigal/Jazz Choir is basically an additional choir for people who really like choir and want to feel extra pro. Therefore, people are extra competent and I feel slightly bad about my musical ability. We started Carol of the Bells today and I got excited as I do when nifty choir music starts falling together. I will repeatedly sing "ding dong" and "da da ba dop" with the best of them. I will alto the heck out of this. 

I got my hair cut and I feel like a sexy beast. Or at least one with fairly well groomed, semi-tamable hair as opposed to the sporadically wavy/curly/frizzy/somewhat straight thing I sported during the summer. I actually had a fairly decent conversation with the hairdresser, which was something that never happens. I was mentally preparing myself for half an hour of silence, punctuated by the occasional slightly tense, halfhearted conversation starter that generally falls flat a minute later.

Now I'm painting my nails a ridiculous bright pink that won't match anything while listening to hipster music (finally, after months of peer pressure) and drinking green chai tea because it was on sale because I felt that I deserved a new type of tea after three days of a miserable cold where tea and cough drops were my main food groups.

I'm pretty convinced that tea solves or at least alleviates most problems. Colds, stress, insomnia, sadness, what have you. Tea just gives little moments of happiness no matter what is happening.
Love,
-J-

Dammit, young porcupines.

Being sick is actually just terrible.

I mean, I know there are bigger problems in the world, but having a cold where your throat feels like young porcupines have taken residence in it, your face is constantly leaking alternately a watery or gooey liquid, your nose is chapped, breathing is a difficult activity, food has no appeal and you feel obligated to ostracize yourself from society to prevent passing on your fate, life just feels like a pit of annoying and not fun things.

Not to mention that I have to hardcore journal about Pablo Neruda today because it's due tomorrow and I can't handle this volume of lovesick metaphors usually, not to mention with the extra attitude of animosity that I possess because of this cold.

I just want to crawl into a hole with lots of tea, sleep and Gilmore Girls. I can crawl out when I feel better.
Love,
-J-