I had a small series of existential crises today.
In short, I hated (nearly) everyone and their opinions, felt like a shitty person (because youth group is a large series of guilt trips that make me feel like a shitty person on a moral level), felt weak because I felt like a shitty person and have little desire to do anything about it, schoolwork is building up, applying for universities begins soon, there are scholarship essays to write, extracurricular stuff to attend and I might have a job soon along with a Co-op placement at a yet undetermined workplace. I probably will be found weeping over my agenda at some point in the near future. I kind of want to maintain a small social life, too, but that comes depressingly low on my priorities.
I'm not adjusting well to things picking up again. I've felt increasingly not cheerful for days and I think I'm inching towards a bout of depression or a small mental breakdown. I know my patterns. Hopefully it's just a false alarm and everything isn't so terrible after a few days.
I just want to punch things. And to sleep. And to lay on Tatyana's floor while watching movies without anything else to do. I miss the cheerful simplicity of summer.
I need a weekend so bad. A real, nearly homework devoid weekend.
Love,
-J-
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