I'll drown my annoyance in free tea, now.

Yesterday night was just *keyboard smash*.

I usually start my shifts pretty good. I know what's going on, I can get it all done. Then I get overwhelmed, especially since customers have picked up all of the sudden and all the usual cleaning has to be completed just the same. Also, all my shifts lately have been with the person who trained me, so she takes everything I do wrong a little personally. Her manner reminds me a bit of my 10th grade English teacher who wrote fairly harsh criticisms on my papers, followed by a rather condescending smiley face. Yesterday, she told me I needed to be nicer to customers because I don't come off as friendly enough (earlier this week at the library, I was told the same thing but I was ok with it). I'm taking this more personally than I should.

Also, every single person that works at my store is female and there is usually one shift manager and one barista working at one time. Therefore, there is an obvious hierarchy and some unnecessary politics. It's kind of hard not to take things personally, which somewhere in the midst of several years of IB classes I thought I'd learned not to do. But I guess school has never required me to be friendly and observe social niceties under supervision. At work, they're moving on from seeing me as that new girl who hasn't figured everything out yet to my personality flaws of being an asshole sometimes (see previous post). I can't wait until I've been there long enough to not be under the same constant scrutiny. The ever present hierarchies are terrible and remind me too much of my previous summer student job at the church.

I know that I'm not the nicest person. I asked my dad about it and he replied,"You're not hostile. You...ah...speak your mind." So I'm really bad at social niceties. I'm at this weird point where I need to think before I speak because I'll probably offend people that I don't want to offend because people just have a lot of feelings and insecurities, dammit.

Then when I got home at 10 (after taking way too long to sweep because glitter was everywhere from the Christmas decorations) and wore plaid on plaid out of my pointed rebellion against social conventions. Then I realized that ranting to people with bigger problems than yours makes you feel a little more content with your life, but super worried for other people. There was a lengthy, civil conversation about religion between me and one of my atheist friends. Then weird conversations happened. That lasted until 2am.

Now I really don't want to go work for six hours on a Saturday night with people who may or may not judge me as being completely unsuitable for interacting with people. I'm so bad at being employed. I just want to crawl into my introverted little haven, or utilize the healing powers of laying on Tatyana's floor while watching a bad 80's movie. That would be nice. This responsibility thing is shitty sometimes.
Hearts,
-J-

Reasons I'm Kind of an Ass Sometimes: An Incomplete List

1. I hate hypocrisy so I acknowledge when I'm a hypocrite, then attempt to justify it.
2. I play mind games with people sometimes when I'm bored and get way too much joy out of it.
3. I usually show up to everything exactly on time or slightly late.
4. I demand a source whenever people tell me slightly sketchy/unbelievable fact and actually expect one.
5. I ruin the things people love by telling them the faults in them.
6. I'm really grumpy when I'm hungry/exhausted.
7. I accidentally whine without feeling particularly annoyed anything.
8. I state the truth whether people want it or not.
9. I occasionally force my opinions on impressionable people, usually about things that don't matter.
10. I use text speak ironically.
11. I say YOLO ironically.
12. I do too many things ironically and unintentionally judge people who do the same things unironically.
13. I probably sound super condescending sometimes, completely unintentionally.
14. I refuse to take on almost any responsibility at youth group, for selfish reasons.
15. I'm really loud when I shouldn't be. 
16. I make people justify themselves when I really shouldn't.
17. I avoid elderly people at all costs, the sole reason being that I'm scared they'll judge me.
18. I judge people who order complex drinks at work.
19. I usually visibly lose interest when people begin talking about their love life.
20. I'm more biased against people for stupid things than I should be. 
21. I get angry every time this kid in my English class reads aloud or does a presentation because he does this really irritating throat clearing thing every thirty seconds.
22. I'm annoyed by any debate involving religion and will either immediately admit defeat or walk away.
23. I show up uninvited.
24. I ask questions to which I already know the answer. 
25. My goal at work is simply to be better than the worst barista there.
26. I'm annoyingly cynical about nearly everything.
27. I ignore social niceties more than is apparently acceptable. 
28. I'm worried I'm becoming really self absorbed and am doing absolutely nothing about it.
29. I'm making a list of reasons I'm kind of an ass sometimes and still feel narcissistic.

Hearts,
-J-

Halloween

People dressed up pretty fine today. One of my friends dressed like a zipper and one group of guys dressed as the Polo Ralph Lauren sports. David, the SRC president, came dressed as Mitt Romney, complete with a binder full of women (he printed out pictures of women in politics and put them in a binder).

I personally was Waldo. I'll try to find a good picture for later. Here's my latest profile picture to make up for it:

Aren't I cute.

I'm in kind of writing rut at the moment. I keep starting posts and not finishing then but I'll get out of this soon enough.

TTYL, broskis.
Hearts,
-J-

Post-secondary strife.

I'm going through another bout of university strife. Everyone in my grade is going through university strife. So much strife.

So, I've come up with a basic formula for university strife: it begins as the simple question "What do I want to do next year?". Then it leads to "Well, what I want to do with my life?". Then comes the practical things, like looking at university websites and brochures to see what is in the general ballpark of what I can see myself doing. I go to a few university info sessions, ask questions to people I know, talk to other people my age about what they know and plan on doing. Now, I've reached the step of actively considering applying.

Through this huge mental process of getting ready for this step, I've narrowed down several things: I can definitely see myself being happiest at a relatively small liberal arts school. After looking at the programs offered, I can deduce that Journalism truly is something that I want to pursue. That narrows down my most likely options at this point to Saint Thomas University (STU) and University of King's College. Both are small liberal arts schools, have respected Journalism programs, aren't too far away, and have close connections to larger universities, so they offer the advantages of both small schools and large schools.

I can obviously apply to both of them (and very likely get in, due to my good marks and the nature of applying to Canadian universities), but when it comes down to which one I would prefer to go to, up until today the pro/con lists come out pretty even. Like, ridiculously, painfully even.

But today I talked to Moriah today (as we seem to do with any decision we make in our lives) about this ridiculous mental battle I'm having between these two schools. I think aloud very well to Moriah, because I know she offers trustworthy perspective and advice, and it's a habit we've got in. I stated that even though King's is slightly more expensive and further away, the school overall appeals to me more (even though I've never been there...) and I kind of want to give myself some distance. I want to start off new, which is the most cliché thing to say when going to university, but it's something that I feel I owe myself, something I've never completely gotten to do before. I need to find myself, guys (which is half a joke cliché and half how I genuinely feel). Partially due to my family's history of missionary work and my parents' time in university in Fredericton, I feel like if I go to STU, there's potential for me to forever be connected to them and have that dragging me down. I want to start off with a clean slate and no preconceived notations of my character to be bashed. Moriah reaffirmed my belief that I should start next year with some distance by confidently replying "Yeah, I think that you need that. Not everybody does, but with you, definitely yes."

Not to mention Halifax is (almost) a big city, there's more interesting things there and the school appeals to me more. It looks like a beautiful liberal arts haven of literature, knowledge, and artsy culture.

STU still has the advantage of being closer, more familiar and less expensive.

But as of today King's is winning. I'll reevaluate that after the choir trip to Halifax in a month. I think we're going to visit some universities, which would be endlessly convenient and save me finding the resources to get me there another time.

Now to apply and stuff. I should do that this week, as I don't have any shifts and now I feel that any time I don't work needs to be super productive.

Anyone else feeling the post-secondary strife?
Hearts,
-J-

Also, this was in my Amazon suggestions.

Which makes me question myself and humanity in general.

And makes me think twice about what I use Amazon for.
Amazon thinks I'm in a very specific demographic of crazy people.