An elephant of information is in my brain.

My head is just so full of information. This afternoon, my first day at my Co-op placement at the library, included a crash course in library software. It was from a librarian with a fantastic beard. I was also introduced to upwards of fifteen people and my mind is full of names that I can't place with faces and half of snippets of information that will probably eventually come in handy. A highlight of the library was when I came across this gem while shelving which was especially funny because it was on the cart, which means that someone checked it out, which means that with any luck, there is a small, knitted royal wedding out there.

I left my crash course in library software to attend a crash course in yearbook software. Yearbook is so pretentious that I often just blankly stare at the computer screen and try to figure out how I got there. The co-editors-in-chief are the two most nondescript humans to ever walk the planet*, and I'm suppose to go to a meeting on Wednesday about fonts. They need a separate meeting for fonts. I'm taking my city bus to Co-op, as there's no way I'm wasting a lunch hour discussing my lack of opinions about fonts. Hopefully yearbook looks up as more stuff begins to happen and hopefully the other editor for my section didn't actually bail on yearbook as she appears to at this point.

After two crash courses in previously unfamiliar and slightly obscure subjects, I came home and researched Chilean flora for some BS IB English project. At least I can forget Chilean flora when I'm done.

When I start baristaing, my mind will probably explode from all the information I have to remember. I suppose I'll settle in eventually and have acquired all I need to be super knowledgeable about libraries, coffee and fonts.

At least I have a long weekend coming up (I heart Canadian thanksgiving) and I'm going to see Looper tomorrow night with my Library Crew friends.

*The quotation from Catch-22, "Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was," applies equally well to both of the editor-in-chiefs (well, except that one is female). I passively dislike them for being such incredibly dull people/ having no sense of humor/ lacking in any personality whatsoever.
Love,
-J-

I suppose this is what led me to buy $7 of M&Ms in the first place

It's 5:30am and I still feel too emotionally mangled to face this week with any enthusiasm at all, not to mention I start my Co-op placement at the library this afternoon. Not to mention I have an English presentation on Chilean flora to finish for tomorrow, a yearbook meeting after school in which I need to learn software in the presence of the most pretentious/boring people I've ever found and my overly excitable English teacher who constantly has her head in the clouds, this weird almost cough that is just enough to keep me from sleeping comfortably, a history essay about Bismarck that I want to finish before Thanksgiving weekend, I start applying to universities anytime now, a World Lit paper to start at some point and a job starting in a week that begins with consuming lots of caffeine at an unfortunate time in the evening that means I will either build up my evening caffeine tolerance or not sleep much for two weeks of training. I hope that having a busy life doesn't mean that I break a lot. I can deal with all this, I just don't need unnecessary emotions to get in the way. Pesky emotions.

I look forward to a few things on this list and I can deal with the rest but I'm presently extremely overwhelmed. Hippie Jesus camp just pushed me over the edge. Dammit, Hippie Jesus camp.

All I want right now is a few summer days to live without having half a gazillion things to deal with. I might need take the approach of laying on the floor for a few hours (when I have the time) and eventually get up and continue with life, which usually helps to some degree. I think I'll make it through with the remaining of the $7 of M&Ms I bought on Friday.

And for someone who feels generally content with their life, I've had a lot of existential crises as of late.
Love,
-J-

My own personal song of despair.

After a four hour drive, sleeping after drinking dark roast coffee, eating half a grilled cheese sandwich at a truck stop in which the cheese wasn't even melted, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just really Hippie Jesus camp hungover. I feel so mentally and physically ajifilkdkfslakdkfjalwriohjtu right now. Or, as Allan put it so delicately when I looked like I was considering strangling people in the truck stop, it's probably because I'm on my period. Thank you, Allan. Considering I never even brought that up, I think that he has too many sisters.

Hippie Jesus camp was pretty mediocre. It made me feel bad about myself as a person and realize I have absolutely no direction in my faith at all right now. Everybody else seemed to have a great, enriching time while I despaired quietly while slightly loathing myself. I even cried once, out feeling little but despair in a room full of happiness. Then I was told that maybe I was having a mediocre time because I didn't put myself out there as much as everyone else did. Which, you know, was probably a bit true, but mostly because I was being overwhelmed by everything happening. The Vineyard isn't known for their subtlety. Somehow I left with a feeling of being overall personally underwhelmed by the events of the weekend. While everyone else appears to be high on Jesus and adrenaline, I now feel terrible.

And now I try to pinpoint why I feel terrible:

I'm not doubting my religion, I'm doubting my capacity to deal with it. Whenever I try to talk about that sentiment, I just can't express it. I hate openly despairing about this because it's like when you state you have a sore throat: everybody seems to have a differing, slightly condescending sure fire suggestion to fix it for you, which in reality, none of it works. Also, I hate being venerable by saying "Hey, I haven't been digging this Jesus thing lately and can you help me in a non-judgmental way without looking down on me?" No one knows how to deal with me because I'm born and raised Christian who is slowly slipping not into a path of distinct evil, but of consistent apathy. I'm not quite to that yet, but I'm getting there and feeling appropriately shitty about it.

It's especially hard at the Vineyard because there is so much going on and I'm so underwhelmed for no particular reason. My "I'm not feeling this right now" would probably frustrate people to no end because there's also a gazillion distinctly Jesusy things always going on.

Also, I've had way too many mental/emotional breakdowns at youth group through the years and I don't like how people have dealt with them. Blog quasi-breakdowns/rants are so much less memorable. You see, usually I'm so guarded that people are really thrown off when I have a moment of vulnerability. I'm so guarded I don't know how to cope with me, I just have sudden realizations of why things seem wrong.

Almost everything religion related has made me hate things lately so I must be doing something wrong. Which, again, makes me hate myself more. I'm doing bible camp/religion wrong and have no sweet clue what to do about it. This bothers me a lot, especially as a kid who grew up in church, has parents who were missionaries for several years, has spent multiple nights a week at youth group functions through most of my teen years, and worked at a church for a summer.

The especially weird thing about this is that for the first time ever, I feel like I've pieced almost every area of my life together in a satisfactory manner. Except this, which I'm downright hopeless at right now. #Juliannedoesreligionfor17yearsandsuddenlysucks

Now I'm going to ignore people and homework, listen to Sufjan Stevens to block out the annoying drones of my family and avoid pulling too much of my hair out. I want to go to bed, but I also want clean jeans tomorrow.
Love,
-J-

Pygmy goats and rap battles

Today I had an unnaturally emotional reaction to finding out that pygmy goats exist from Allan in second period. I couldn't even deal. I need a pygmy goat because they are by far the most adorable things to ever exist.There has been a lot of squeeing and preaching the good word of pygmy goats to everyone that crossed my path. Also, Will put this together for this when I said, in my pygmy goat frazzled state, that Looper sounds like a good movie but needs more pygmy goats:

I appreciate what lengths my friends go to in my semi-psychotic emotional outbursts about ridiculous things.

Also, I took part in a rap battle today. I joked a few days ago that we should show up with wrapping paper and wrap some boxes. Somebody decided yesterday to actually sign us up for it and I was torn over whether it would be funny or awkward. Thankfully, it leaned toward the funny side. We dressed like rappers to the best of our abilities. I wore a snap back.We still didn't win but the two scrawny white hipster guys we were up against were rapping entertaining trash talk as opposed to wrapping presents so I suppose they deserved it.

Adam, a comedic genius of my school (his accomplishments including standing on a table at the musical after party and reciting Aragorn's speech while waving a legitimate sword, and his "kind of long jokes" that turn out to be hour long stories with hugely intentionally unsatisfying endings) eventually decided he would give rapping a try. As his lanky frame hopped around the stage, my favorite lines include "I got hoes in different area codes" and ended with "You can't phase me, because I'm taking full IB!" Had he been using a mic, I feel that at that point he would have dropped it.
Love,
-J-