It's been a rough few days.
It's the last week of classes before exams but its not exams that are getting to people; on the contrary, it's almost everything but that. People all around me are losing their shit over anything and everything. I think what makes it especially prevalent is that we're reaching a point where awards are given out and everyone is really self aware of their position in the school's eyes. On a day to day basis, I interact largely with a group of people who have made the most of high school but are just under the line of actually getting recognition from the school for their achievements. There is so much animosity towards the few people who are getting crazy amounts of recognition for their contributions to the school and I and many others are pissed that we are being lumped together with the people who've done next to nothing because we feel we've done a lot. All those awards are awful because they make the people with egos feel better about themselves and launches those under the mark of excellence into a fit of self deprecation or public mocking of others. I've been between these two distinct groups as they've divided and I find myself really anxious because of all the passive aggression surrounding me. Everyone's anger towards each other that has built up over time is coming out and I'm not sure if it's temporary or not. However, the one agreement that can be found is that we are all so done with excitement around graduation. We don't want to endure the next two or three weeks of filling the time with various grad events, prom, and graduation. This week, senioritis hit us with a new vengence.
Another thing that's been stressing me out is university. This thing happens when I have to do anything to prepare for university, I alternate between freaking out a little bit or turning into an actual incapacitated ball of anxiety. The immensity of the changes I'll experience in the next few months slapped me in the face yesterday right before work and I spent the first fifteen minutes of my shift crying in the bathroom. I'm so bad at changes and I know that it's going to be a lot of stress in moving away and settling down in a new place. I suppose having Hannah as my roommate is good and that's a load off my mind. I'm going into this knowing that I'll probably freak out a lot in those first few weeks or months away. I'll be surrounded by people I don't know in a city I've collectively only ever spent four or five days of my life in. I'm being taken away from all but a two or three of my close friends. I'm legitimately terrified of change, even drastically inevitable change.
At least I know my job is only lasting until the end of July. That's so freeing, especially considering how my store is going to hell more than usual. Yesterday after my crying in the bathroom episode, I witnessed my shift Martha lose it about my store on the phone to someone at the uptown store. She had worked all afternoon with just my manager and, in the ridiculously intense manner of my store, was told she was doing everything wrong. Along with pointing out all her minuscule faults, my manager also took it upon herself to label every silly object behind the counter and tape up pieces of paper telling us how to act around customers. I shit you not, there is list of conversation starters taped to our espresso machine. Martha is definitely not the ideal super cheerful chatty accommodating type that my manger wants everyone to be and Martha sort of just paced around all shift after the manger left with the occasional short outbursts like "There's a bigger picture!" and "It's just coffee!". It was a bonding experience having the both of us so pissed at everything while trying to simultaneously run a coffee shop.
So that's pretty much been my life lately.
Hearts,
Julianne
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