It's a flannel day.

Today I woke up and decided I couldn't deal with things, so I stayed home. I finished a ton of homework, with the help of three caffeinated drinks, so I feel good about having a homework free weekend, now.

I just need a break so bad. I can't wait to be around lovely people, no homework, and fully devote myself to having a fun for three days in different city. When I think about it, I've rarely devoted myself to having fun since school started, even less so since I began work. I just want to stop feeling trapped by the organized box of obligations that my life has become.

I want to read books not for school, to socialize, to not be brain dead by second period, to get the recommended amount of sleep, to drink coffee because I enjoy it, not because I feel it necessary to survive the day.

I don't want to turn into a burnout. That happened last year (thankfully I recovered) but it can't happen this year, too.
Hearts,
-J-

Meh. A whole week of meh.

I got written up at work essentially for briefly being an asshole to one of the supervisors. Despite the fact that the report was vastly exaggerated to the events that actually happened, it caught me at a time when I was so stressed that it just slid right off me, humoring me more than anything. I did send the few texts to my friends to inform them that I'd been written up for being an asshole. I have a legal document saying that I'm an asshole. I think I need to reevaluate my life. The strange thing, after she wrote me up, I've genuinely gotten along with her better. How does that work?

There are three nights, a paper, a presentation and a novel between me and Halifax. I need to stop replacing sleep with coffee, that is a very bad habit, and my mind is ceasing to produce coherent thoughts.

I think something snapped inside of me, not yet senioritis (when 12th graders give up because of the sudden realization that high school ends soon) but something preceding that. A stage in my senior year where I stress out, get lots of things done, and hate 90% of everything I do for a few weeks.

All I want right now is a good night's sleep,

When people talk about "the real world," I think that they forget that many high school students are in fact not twiddling their thumbs, but go to school for six hours a day, got to work for another five, then go home to homework, with the occasional extracurricular activity thrown in. We seem to get a strangely small amount of recognition for what we put up with.
Hearts,
-J-

Bagels: the redeeming factor of my life.

This weekend there's a choir trip to Halifax and I don't think I've ever needed something bad. Choir trips are possibly the best things, as they include the majority of my favorite people and tend to have lots moments that later make noteworthy stories.

The last week has been so busy. I've buzzed from one thing to another a great deal, filling in the cracks with homework and the occasional bout of sleep and food. I've also resorting to collapsing in a state of exhaustion when I have a few minutes that allow me to do so.

I also have this thing at work where as soon as I clock in, I have a perpetually cheerful facade. It's exhausting but necessary to appease my ever watchful superiors who really just take themselves too damn seriously. That said, I manage to do things to piss them off, though I'm never quite sure because they're also masters of the perpetually cheerful facade. When I get out of acedemics, I feel like I have so much potential to fail in "the real world" that people keep passively mentioning. In both jobs I've ever had, I've been really good at pissing off my supervisors, which is probably one of the worst things I could ever do.

When I'm stressed and busy all the time my caffeine tolerance goes down. In the last few days, it's hit an all time low, from having an English paper for IB due today (but I'm not done yet because it's been the most painful paper to write of all time), a history presentation sometime in the next week, finishing a novel and doing a presentation about it, having choir things, and work (coincidentally at consistently inconvenient times). So basically, I'm wired, stressed and hating everything.

EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE.

Except I bought seven bagels for $3 and that is very beautiful, though the apathetic cashier wasn't as enthused about the "Fill a bag for $3" bagel promotion as I was.
Love,
-J-

Realizations (that I'm a horrid human being)

The city bus that I take to co-op runs from the university across town to the mall, so I often run into friends that go to the university. Today, Missy happened to be on the bus, so we sat together and were slightly loud and obnoxious, as we are both prone to being, which just escalates when in close quarters with each other. The topic of a local band arose while she was debating aloud whether to go a coffee house tonight, as they were playing there, but we both came to the conclusion that they were vastly overrated and that the front man vaguely resembles a muppet. Our conversation moved on from that, but when I got off at my stop, out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone sitting behind me with unmistakably muppet like features. He looked back at me with a look of disdain, making all my hopes of perhaps our comments having escaped his ears disappear. Guys, I dropped an insult directly about a stranger on public transit, unknowingly while they were present. Oops. I am one of the world's biggest assholes. Maegan replied to this situation with the text "Now he knows he looks like a muppet. He'll never be able to unsee that."  Missy and I are currently planning the creation of buttons that say "World's biggest asshole" to give society a fair warning. Sometimes I think I'm not as much of an asshole as I think I am, but then something like this confirms it several times over.

 I also somehow got myself invited to a New Year's Eve party held by someone who I barely know, solely because Missy was disappointed that I don't know the group of music kids from a neighboring town. At least I have at one interesting option for my New Year's Eve, now. I'd feel a little bad about abandoning the tradition of tenting out in a senior's hall in the sticks with youth group with copious amounts of midnight snacking, but hey, a party could be potentially more interesting and include fewer people that annoy me. Probably.

And those are the things that happened to me today: I publicly insulted people on city transit and got invited to a party that's a month and a half away that I probably won't attend unless I find myself utterly devoid of other options. I hope your day included fewer realizations that apologies in the form of balloons would be nice to give people than mine did.
Hearts,
-J-