Pondering

Sometimes there's a moment where life stops feeling like a repeating circle of events and I feel the tangible passing of time.

Today was one of those days. This morning, a small selection of choir went to the local veteran's home for their Remembrance day service. The veterans sat in the front rows in their uniforms, many in wheel chairs and hooked up to oxygen, sporting either looks of either deep reverence or dementia-induced confusion. There was one man in the front row who insisted on standing for the last post and the moment of silence, despite that he needed a nurse to support him.

When we weren't up front singing, we stood in the hallway as there were no empty chairs to be found. I looked at the rows of black and white pictures of different military units, mostly WWII era. Pictures of young people who now are sitting in wheel chairs or have passed on of old age, or who never made it home in the first place. Everything suddenly felt very real, like a layer had been removed between me and the events of the past. That these people were personally affected by these events of the past that feel so distant to me.

I had a sudden awareness of the nature of passing time. The realization that these people who were part of and witnessed a huge event in history are getting very advanced in age and in the next few decades they will become a detached piece of history. The realization that someday, I and my peers will be the oldest people in a room. That someday I will have faded into history, to have my world summed up into small black print in a text book for people who are also destined to eventually survive only in small black print. So maybe my original circle theory holds true to this, too.

That's something to ponder.
Hearts,
-J-

"The Great Laugh of Mankind."

This week has had running themes of comfortable contentness. But after last week, I feel pretty content with most things. Last week included an awful lot of self loathing for no particular reason.

This week was just really nice. I mean, I didn't have an existential crisis at youth group on Wednesday for the first time since September. I didn't get drastically behind on school work. I had more of a social life than I've had in a few weeks. I fell asleep to the song "Out Of Egypt, Into The Great Laugh Of Mankind, And I Shake The Dirt From My Sandals As I Run", my summer nap time anthem (and damn straight my summer was so eventful that I had a nap time anthem).

On Wednesday, I went to a university fair and, since I actually knew what information I was looking for, I found out some useful things that websites don't give me. It was also a good opportunity to compare and contrast the different schools. Walking up to one table and having them describe the Journalism program, then going directly to another table a few down and asking them the same questions was quite useful to me. I'm currently more pumped than scared about next year.

Yesterday there was a coffee house at school. As with every single coffee house ever at my school, it was a mixture of insanity, humour and talent, in vastly varying proportions in the different acts. It opened with two scrawny (not necessarily 100% sober) hipsters kind of freestyle rapping for a grand total of eight minutes, then going up again under a different band name and playing punk rock. Eventually one guy was laying on the floor, shredding on his guitar (no one does Thursdays quite as hard as they do). Other notable moments include when I bugged Alan to read Body of a Woman by Pablo Neruda, which he did, in an intense pause filled style befitting William Shatner, while nature sounds were played on the keyboard behind him. Halfway through he had thoroughly re-noticed the extent of the explicitness found in that poem and rocketed through the rest of it. Hysterical laughter happened, especially when he suggestively raised his eyebrows for a few parts. On top of that, there was the usual assortment of music from talented people singing irritating music (*coughmultipleSimplePlansongs*) to untalented people singing good music and everything in between. There's this one guy from another school who always performs and severely needs to be picked up by Disney at some point (i.e., he's fifteen, has blonde highlights and a significant tween fan base).

Today was the performing debut of this year's choir at my school's (early) Remembrance day ceremony. I was very happy with how we did - it reminded me of why I like choir and why it's worthy of my time for an hour and a half every week. It's also a plus that I got to see all the choir boys in suits and bow ties. They were (for the most part) really adorable.The choir boys in suits and bow ties probably falls on to the list of the most adorable things I've ever seen, right under "Miniature yorkies in sweaters."

Now I have long, vastly unbooked long weekend, a significant amount of tasty marked out food from work, a bit of a caffeine buzz (actually, I think that my 5pm espresso is wearing off) and a cozy sweatshirt proclaiming in large letters on the right sleeve that I graduate in 2013.
Hearts,
-J-

I'll drown my annoyance in free tea, now.

Yesterday night was just *keyboard smash*.

I usually start my shifts pretty good. I know what's going on, I can get it all done. Then I get overwhelmed, especially since customers have picked up all of the sudden and all the usual cleaning has to be completed just the same. Also, all my shifts lately have been with the person who trained me, so she takes everything I do wrong a little personally. Her manner reminds me a bit of my 10th grade English teacher who wrote fairly harsh criticisms on my papers, followed by a rather condescending smiley face. Yesterday, she told me I needed to be nicer to customers because I don't come off as friendly enough (earlier this week at the library, I was told the same thing but I was ok with it). I'm taking this more personally than I should.

Also, every single person that works at my store is female and there is usually one shift manager and one barista working at one time. Therefore, there is an obvious hierarchy and some unnecessary politics. It's kind of hard not to take things personally, which somewhere in the midst of several years of IB classes I thought I'd learned not to do. But I guess school has never required me to be friendly and observe social niceties under supervision. At work, they're moving on from seeing me as that new girl who hasn't figured everything out yet to my personality flaws of being an asshole sometimes (see previous post). I can't wait until I've been there long enough to not be under the same constant scrutiny. The ever present hierarchies are terrible and remind me too much of my previous summer student job at the church.

I know that I'm not the nicest person. I asked my dad about it and he replied,"You're not hostile. You...ah...speak your mind." So I'm really bad at social niceties. I'm at this weird point where I need to think before I speak because I'll probably offend people that I don't want to offend because people just have a lot of feelings and insecurities, dammit.

Then when I got home at 10 (after taking way too long to sweep because glitter was everywhere from the Christmas decorations) and wore plaid on plaid out of my pointed rebellion against social conventions. Then I realized that ranting to people with bigger problems than yours makes you feel a little more content with your life, but super worried for other people. There was a lengthy, civil conversation about religion between me and one of my atheist friends. Then weird conversations happened. That lasted until 2am.

Now I really don't want to go work for six hours on a Saturday night with people who may or may not judge me as being completely unsuitable for interacting with people. I'm so bad at being employed. I just want to crawl into my introverted little haven, or utilize the healing powers of laying on Tatyana's floor while watching a bad 80's movie. That would be nice. This responsibility thing is shitty sometimes.
Hearts,
-J-

Reasons I'm Kind of an Ass Sometimes: An Incomplete List

1. I hate hypocrisy so I acknowledge when I'm a hypocrite, then attempt to justify it.
2. I play mind games with people sometimes when I'm bored and get way too much joy out of it.
3. I usually show up to everything exactly on time or slightly late.
4. I demand a source whenever people tell me slightly sketchy/unbelievable fact and actually expect one.
5. I ruin the things people love by telling them the faults in them.
6. I'm really grumpy when I'm hungry/exhausted.
7. I accidentally whine without feeling particularly annoyed anything.
8. I state the truth whether people want it or not.
9. I occasionally force my opinions on impressionable people, usually about things that don't matter.
10. I use text speak ironically.
11. I say YOLO ironically.
12. I do too many things ironically and unintentionally judge people who do the same things unironically.
13. I probably sound super condescending sometimes, completely unintentionally.
14. I refuse to take on almost any responsibility at youth group, for selfish reasons.
15. I'm really loud when I shouldn't be. 
16. I make people justify themselves when I really shouldn't.
17. I avoid elderly people at all costs, the sole reason being that I'm scared they'll judge me.
18. I judge people who order complex drinks at work.
19. I usually visibly lose interest when people begin talking about their love life.
20. I'm more biased against people for stupid things than I should be. 
21. I get angry every time this kid in my English class reads aloud or does a presentation because he does this really irritating throat clearing thing every thirty seconds.
22. I'm annoyed by any debate involving religion and will either immediately admit defeat or walk away.
23. I show up uninvited.
24. I ask questions to which I already know the answer. 
25. My goal at work is simply to be better than the worst barista there.
26. I'm annoyingly cynical about nearly everything.
27. I ignore social niceties more than is apparently acceptable. 
28. I'm worried I'm becoming really self absorbed and am doing absolutely nothing about it.
29. I'm making a list of reasons I'm kind of an ass sometimes and still feel narcissistic.

Hearts,
-J-